I went to an audition on Thursday and I sucked! No I’m not being self-deprecating. I can tell when I do well and when I suck big donkey dong and this time it was all about the dong. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Whatever. I’m fine, just wasn’t my day.
Ever since we came back from San Diego putting Put Pie down at night is a nightmare. There was a point in time, that now seems like forever ago, when I could put her down eyes still open and she would roll over on her belly and go to sleep. Now she screams at the top of her lungs. She screams so much she has a hoarse throat.
My mother staying with us has just made it worse because there is nothing like having the stress of a screaming child while having your mother second guess what you are doing. Every time she hears Put Pie make a peep, she asks if she should go in and do whatever and every time I say, “You are welcome to go in and do what you want, but then you are in charge of her all night.” That squelches the conversation until the next night.
I have become very attached to my bloggy buddies. Do you ever find yourself writing a post and thinking, “I hope so and so reads this and leaves a comment”?
I really enjoy participating in Writer’s Workshop every week. Part of what I like is that when I look at the prompts a post usually writes itself. Not so this week. I just wasn’t feeling too inspired. I wrote the following piece before the piece I actually posted:
My name is Unknown Mami and I am a Party Pooper.
That’s right, I like to poop at parties.
So if you have a party and invite me over, can you kindly make sure that there is enough toilet paper to accommodate your guests? And if a roll is used up during the party, can you please make sure that there is more on hand? I don’t want to go looking through every cabinet in your bathroom to hopefully find some toilet paper.
I mean honestly, you knew you were going to have a party and everybody poops (there is even a book about it). Why ruin someones perfectly good time by not providing enough toilet paper?
I don’t really like to poop at parties; mostly I pee. I pee a lot. I can’t help it. I have a small bladder and I like to booze it up when I’m invited places because it makes everyone so much better looking and much more fun.
The downside is that I make frequent trips to the bathroom and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to parties, get togethers, dinners, you name it and the host who has gone to pains to make guests comfortable has failed miserably at providing T.P. for my bunghole.
I think I’ve come up with a solution. From now on, instead of bringing flowers or a bottle of wine as a gift for the host, I am going to show up with a 6 pack of toilet paper. I don’t want to be a party pooper, but if I am at least I’ll be covered.
The lovely Mrs.4444 linked up this past Sunday for Sundays In My City and we were treated to a lovely shot of Mr.4444’s southern digits in all their painted glory. Stop by and link up this Sunday if you want to share pics of your city, town, hole in the wall, or husbands toes. It’s fun and you can visit other places and maybe even see some naked toes.
Find out more about SIMC here.
Mrs4444
said…
How do you really feel about the lack of toilet paper, U.M.? Are you the party guest who peeks in the medicine cupboard, too?!While
my MIL has always been terrific about letting me parent my kids, I was
not so lucky with the paternal great grandma-She drove me crazy with the
veiled guilt trips. And although she never admitted it, she even went
so far as to hide Kendall’s pacifier one year when we visited her home
in Michigan. As if we wouldn’t be able to buy another one?! It’s a
wonder my kids turned out so well, what with ME for a mother! haha
August 20, 2009 10:15 PM
angelcel
said…
Uh-oh the change of scenery has disturbed her routine. I *feel* for
you, I really do. Hopefully a few more days and she’ll have settled
back into the old swing of things.
August 20, 2009 11:32 PM
mub
said…
I like the TP idea. I get so annoyed when I go somewhere and there isn’t any!!!
August 21, 2009 12:43 AM
Yaya
said…
Haha! One time I was at a get together and they ran out of tp so that week I sent her a whole box of toilet paper in the mail!
August 21, 2009 1:18 AM
Sara Elizabeth Bonds
said…
I know what you mean about bloggy friends. I do that a lot. Only
recently have I really begun to bond with other bloggers. It is awesome.I
can’t believe someone would have a party and NOT make sure that all
bases were covered, like having freaking toilet paper. How weird.
August 21, 2009 2:14 AM
Tammy Howard
said…
So much to comment on!Sorry about the audition – better luck next time.Oh,
man – the flashback you brought on. When my eldest was a baby my mom
literally ripped her from my arms once. (That only happened once –
believe me)Soooo attached to my bloggy buddies. So much so that
sometimes I’ll find myself editing because I’m certain that what I just
typed might offend so and so and I’d never want to do that…
(sometimes I leave it in anyway cause it’s my damn blog and they’re not
the boss of me, but usually I try not to offend…)On the other hand
sometimes I’ll write something and think, “so and so is gonna LOVE
this.” then I anxiously wait for the feedback…I love the idea of presenting TP as a hostess gift SO MUCH. You are a genius. An Unknown Genius.
August 21, 2009 4:58 AM
Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
said…
I think angelcel is right – Put Pie’s change of scenery probably messed
up her usual routine…it’ll sort itself out. It could also be that
she’s putting on a show for your mom…(grin!!) I LIKE that idea – if
your mom wants to go in and do ‘whatever’ with Pie makes a peep, she’s
in charge for the rest of the night! Genius! :)I do have that thought about bloggy buddies, too… :)GREAT idea on the TP – hilarious post you party pooper, you! ;)Happy FF!
August 21, 2009 5:00 AM
Caution Flag
said…
Sorry about the audition. I know you’re okay with it, but I’m sure it’s disappointing.I know exactly what you mean about hoping to hear from specific bloggers. Funny how we connect with certain people like that.I was the hostess last Thanksgiving, and we did run out of TP. A bad moment, to say the least.
August 21, 2009 5:21 AM
Sue
said…
I love my bloggy friends (and making new ones) and I do love lots of tp at parties… readily available!
August 21, 2009 5:53 AM
erin
said…
The best thing that ever happened to me was Elijah sleeping in his own room in his own crib all night. In my first marriage I slept with my daughters cause I didn’t sleep with my husband.With Jeremiah that sure as hell ain’t happening!It only took two nights to get Elijah to sleep on his own, but two months to get Max to…I pee a lot too.
August 21, 2009 6:03 AM
brainella
said…
I’m with Mrs4444 — do you check out the medicine cabinet? :-)I’ve become pretty attached to many bloggy friends — there is a world of people out there I’d otherwise never know. I love it!
August 21, 2009 6:31 AM
L.
said…
Sorry about the audition and fussy Put. I LOVE what you said to your mother!For
along time I’ve been wishing and hoping someone will invent a small
roll of toilet paper in hygenic, resealable packaging that fits in a
handbag without giving itself away, to carry everywhere. I’m sure
whoever can pull this off will make millions!
August 21, 2009 6:45 AM
Louise
said…
Got to laugh. That’s pretty much the story at our house.
August 21, 2009 7:39 AM
latinmomof4punks
said…
Hey Muchacha,You had me cracking up with the “Party Pooper post”. I have a Brother-in-Law who my Mom has bestowed the title of “El Cagon”. (I don’t know why just “Him”, since we all have that same body function during family gatherings?) LOL!! So
when we have family functions, she goes to great lengths to keep plenty
of TP on hand for him. “AND”, Lets not forget!!! she makes sure the
“Plunger” is in the bathroom, along with some pretty smelling “Velas”
burning. Ha!!Then my Madre starts talking smack(in a low voice to
whomever is standing next to her), when she see’s him walking toward “El
Banio”. LMFAO!!!”You would def. be covered at my Madres Casa”. :0)*Sorry to hear about your audition**I hope Put Pie gets back on track with her sleeping habits* (Poor baby!)
August 21, 2009 7:41 AM
Aunt of 14
said…
You know, although it does sound strange… a pack of toilet paper may
really be appreciated by the host. Subliminally, of course. Host may
give you a horrified look when you present them with a pack of toilet
paper and a red bow, but by the end of the night they will realize you
saved their hide! Oh, no pun intended.
August 21, 2009 8:26 AM
badmommymoments
said…
That party pooper post is HILARIOUS! You are so funny. And I promise to
keep the soft TP (that’s right, I buy the good stuff) stacked up against
the wall when you come over for dinner. And drinks. Lots of drinks. And
I promise you can let Put Pie cry in the crib until she passes out,
because that’s how we roll at our house.
August 21, 2009 9:04 AM
JennyMac
said…
Yeah! I can finally leave a comment. This cracked me up and I would never want to be the no TP host..therefore causing a new wave of BYOTP parties. Sorry about the audition..but donkey dong…thats funny.
August 21, 2009 9:06 AM
One Sassy Girl
said…
Hahaha! That party pooper piece is priceless… and worthy of alliteration ;)I
can’t poop in public. I’m a private pooper. Poop is surprisingly easy
to alliterate, apparently. But really, I know what you mean about hoping
certain people read your posts, but lately, I’ve been hoping certain
people DON’T. As you may have read, I’ve been outted and it blows. (if you even want me to read something, send me a shout out. i’d hate to miss it as i love your blog!!)
August 21, 2009 9:44 AM
Kay
said…
” Do you ever find yourself writing a post and thinking, “I hope so and so reads this and leaves a comment”?All the time lol.
August 21, 2009 10:23 AM
M
said…
Ok…I left a comment but it clearly didn’t post. Or maybe it did?
Anyway, I was just agreeing with you about the bloggy friends thing. I
know you are the only one currently following me (HINT HINT PEOPLE!!),
but I do appreciate that you read what I write, and it give me this
lovely sense of community that I so desperately lack here in my own
city, far from family and friends. What do I have to do to get put into
your blogroll list? 😉 Hopefully it won’t be too long before I can meet
some more Mommybloggers like you! Happy blogging! M :)http://Mandthe2Henrys.blogspot.comhttp://HomemakerPhD.blogspot.com
August 21, 2009 11:09 AM
Kimberly
said…
Haha! Great post and SO true for all of us! A good party can be perfectly ruined if I have to go and find no TP in the bathroom.Sorry about the audition, and I hope the next one goes better!
August 21, 2009 12:12 PM
Kirby3131
said…
I do write blog posts hoping for certain folks to read and comment. So
sorry the audition wasn’t great. I dont have kids, but my sisters
daughter is going through that same thing. My sister is now pulling her
hair out ugh.
August 21, 2009 12:41 PM
Sassy Chica
said…
Hot damn Chica that was hilarous!I laughed so loud when I read your
post that not only was I crying, but both of my kids came out of their
rooms to ask if everything was okay!I think your blog and writings are fabulous!!!Where can I sign up for the writers workshop???Smooches,Sassy Chica
August 21, 2009 12:42 PM
Sissy
said…
Yaaaayyyy! I can comment! Yes, I totally write posts hoping specific people read them. My Jackass Neighbors for instance 🙂
August 21, 2009 1:35 PM
Karen MEG
said…
A 6 pack of TP, that’s genius!This was such a hoot! Great fragments!
August 21, 2009 2:05 PM
Gibby
said…
Did you say “I suck big donkey dong?” HILARIOUS!!! And you
don’t, BTW. I totally am with you about the bloggy friends thing.
Sometimes I feel like the people who read my blog know me better than
some of my friends who see me in real life everyday. It’s crazy, isn’t
it?
August 21, 2009 2:51 PM
A Buns Life
said…
I always put a brand new roll on the tp holder and make sure that there
are several rolls in the basket by the toilet so people don’t have to
snoop under the sink. (as if they aren’t going to anyway!)
August 21, 2009 3:02 PM
Kara @ His, Hers and Ours
said…
This is why I’m thankful that my mom lives far enough away, but close enough to see us for day trips. No overnighter’s here! I
pee a lot too at party’s. But I think it’s just cause of the alcohol I
like to consume. I always make sure there is TP on the roll, going OVER,
not under, to make the guest happy. I’m new to the bloggy
world…but I find myself getting quickly attached to certain peeps to.
Especially those that leave me some comment luv. Like you! 😉 Have a great weekend!
August 21, 2009 5:20 PM
thatgirlblogs
said…
I, for one, would love it if you brought TP to one of my parties! You can poop here any time.
August 21, 2009 5:38 PM
Real World Mom
said…
Sounds like you’ve found the trick for handling your mom. Hope your luck continues to hold! Happy Friday!
August 21, 2009 6:43 PM
Kris
said…
Sorry you didn’t feel good about your audition. I like your tip on handling the mom., might have to try that!!
August 21, 2009 7:02 PM
Wonderful World of Weiners
said…
I FORBID pooping at my parties!! ASk my neighbors!! They all make fun of me!!Hallie 🙂
August 21, 2009 8:00 PM
Joanna Jenkins
said…
I yi yi yi, hang in there.xo
August 21, 2009 8:19 PM
mrs.notouching
said…
Sorry about the audition… poop =( And my mother is coming over next
week to stay with us for a month… I need to remember your line “You
are welcome to go in and do what you want, but then you are in charge of
her all night.”
August 21, 2009 10:34 PM
wilmingtonbyginger
said…
Ha ha! Nothing makes me madder than to go to someone’s house, as an
INVITED guest, only to discover that they have failed to provide the
basic necessities in the bathroom! Come on, folks! Does it occur to you
to check in there??
August 22, 2009 6:54 AM
wilmingtonbyginger
said…
Ha ha! Nothing makes me madder than to go to someone’s house, as an
INVITED guest, only to discover that they have failed to provide the
basic necessities in the bathroom! Come on, folks! Does it occur to you
to check in there??
August 22, 2009 6:55 AM
confused homemaker
said…
Hope everything else is going better & I am with you there is nothing worse that going to a party with no toilet paper.
August 22, 2009 10:18 AM
Mrs4444
said…
While there are no toes in this week’s shots, I am happy to say I got plenty of shots to participate again tomorrow!! 🙂
August 22, 2009 10:59 AM
Laila Of Course!
said…
Aww, thanks for your comments!! 🙂 And I love your profile pic— verrry original. Be sure and come back again & follow! It would really make my day.ahahahah, and btw, I loved this post.
August 22, 2009 11:24 AM
4 Lettre Words
said…
Love, love, love your toilet paper-hostess gift idea. So very practical!!(I’m considering that homemade notecard giveaway for my blog. Thank you for the idea!!)
August 22, 2009 12:03 PM
ItsKelly
said…
I just love you so much! This has to be the best post I’ve read all day!!!
August 22, 2009 1:28 PM
Nori D
said…
Another great thing about Latin moms- they’re so great at nitpicking everything you do or dont do, or so they think. I relate…My
husband is also a party pooper. Actually, he’s a pooper anywhere kinda
guy. Me? I rather get ill to my stomach. I neurotic like that =)
August 22, 2009 8:54 PM
Charlotte
said…
Ha ha that will cure your mom for sure. You can cure hosts of the no t.p. problem, use their hand towels, that’ll teach ’em.
August 23, 2009 10:12 AM
Scrappy Girl
said…
Love the party pooper post…so funny. I always panic when I need to go
at a party…so afraid I will go out and the smell will drift to the
party area…LOL
August 24, 2009 7:25 AM
sarah m
said…
Sorry about your audition…I think we all have those kind of days sometimes.And
that’s a great line to your mom about being in charge the rest of the
night…I’ll have to file that one away for future use!!And I’m sorry, but I love your party pooper post!! You are a hoot.
August 24, 2009 10:00 PM
Summer
said…
OMG! I’m a party pooper too! And a restaurant pooper. And an over for dinner pooper….and….yes, i can go anywhere. I definitely do not have safe toilet sydrome. STS.TMI?
August 25, 2009 9:29 PM