My family, extended family, is ghetto and I don’t mean in a ghetto-fabulous way. I mean just plain GHETTO.
Most of the time I let it slide off me. I don’t live by them (by choice), I don’t get involved in the drama (I never have), but damn it if this ghetto mentality doesn’t get me down at times. Today I was in a wonderful mood and then I called my mother. I listened to the garbage being dumped in my ear and thought, “this isn’t about me, this won’t get to me, I am not a part of this”, but as soon as I hung up I started sobbing. You see, I may not be a part of it, but the people involved are a part of me; they live in my friggin’ heart. I love them and I can’t stand that they live their lives like guests on a Spanish-speaking version of The Jerry Springer Show.
It is not my place to air other people’s ghetto laundry so I will not bore you with the current details, but I thought I would share some examples of what makes certain members of my extended family GHETTO.
- I was once in a video for “5 a Day”, which promotes eating 5 serving of fruits and vegetables a day. It’s not the kind of video that you would see on TV. I was never quite sure who would see it. Well, I was visiting family and one of my aunts (sweet lovable woman) told me that she had seen the video and had bragged to everyone that I was her niece. When I asked her were she had seen it, she answered that she saw it while she was doing some time in prison. Nice.
- When I was 11 there was a party at our house that was mostly family. Things got out of hand and an angry jealous man pulled out a rifle and started threatening people with it. The police came. After the police came everyone was freaked out because they were told that the call to 911 had been made from inside our home. Everyone was trying to figure out who called and why they called. Uh, IT WAS ME! I CALLED!!! I was 11 and a crazy drunk man was waving a rifle at people I love. No one tripped off of his behavior, but calling the police was deemed crazy. I never admitted to being the one that called because I was afraid I would get in trouble.
- My brother, mother, and I went to see Miss Saigon. Not my cup of tea, but my mother got us tickets because she knows I like theater and was trying to be nice. My brother had really only ever been to see me in plays. We’re sitting there and my brother is obviously bored until a scene where scantily clad women of questionable repute are gyrating on stage. At that point, he starts hooting, hollering, and clapping wildly. Keep in mind the rest of the audience is silent and my brother is louder than the performers on stage. Then he turns to me and says, “You know if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have any art in my life. Thank you.” Oh brother!
I could share tons of anecdotes like the ones above, but I’m sure you get the point. I love my family, I really do, and they are not all ghetto, but it pains me that some of them don’t seem to understand that life does not have to be so full of drama and self-made tragedy.
A few weeks back I was speaking to my pregnancy counselor and I told her about the worries I have for my children. I told her that I did not want to pass my fears onto them, that my issues are my issues and I want them to stop with me. That I don’t want them to go through what I’ve been through. She listened and when I was done she said, “You know, Unknown Mami, some people have happy childhoods; they grow up without any major trauma and still manage to be good, kind-hearted, caring people.” I answered, “Huh, I never considered that possibility.” Now, I know; I know it’s a possibility.
Oh I love it! Fabulous stories, for us anyways. One side of my family is pretty “white trash” and I don’t think there is even a white trash fabulous. They are not fabulous. I love them since they are family, but spending a little time with them is enough!
I hope this post doesn’t get you into trouble with them.
Oh I hate that Jerry Springer garbage. He’s not on anymore is he?
There’s always some “black sheep” hanging off some limb of the tree. When you see it, you want to grab the chainsaw.
Oh next time I’m doing time, I’m asking to see that film.
We all have one or more black sheep in our families. There are a few in my extended pool of genes who I wouldn’t want anyone to know I’m related to them.
Listen sister, every single family has GHETTO in it. Every. Single. One. To some people in my family….it’s me.
My point is this….you are a great mom, raising a beauty of a daughter. It’s more than a possibilty. It’s the reality you are creating.
I moved away from people who caused the Jerry Springer Drama in my life, but they weren’t family. I didn’t ever have to be near them again once I moved. It’s tough being in that. But your story of your 11 year old self calling 911 was funny. I can totally see it. (I know, it wasn’t funny then!) but thanks so much for telling the story.
Okay…so it’s not funny, but it IS funny, in a sad way. You are fabulous and your children will be fabulous too!
Love this post title. SO very true!
Your prego counselor was right my friend. I am known as the black sheep in my Whiskey Tango fam. I didn’t have a baby before the age of 20, I haven’t been to jail and I don’t work at Wal-mart. I have had to distance myself from most of the tree. Most of the time I have a sense of humor about it, but sometimes it really gets to me. Like, I wish my tot had more extended family I could trust him around.
Some day I think we shall share a martini and swap stories, but I’ll give you a teaser about my family: My cousins pop out babies like bunnies. The names they choose are so ridiculous. One of my cousins had a baby and when I asked an aunt of mine about it she said his name was Lincoln. I kind of chuckled because like everyone else in my family my cousin is more than a little racist and I thought it ironic he would be named Lincoln. Then my aunt said “poor kid, he’s going to have to spell his name his whole life…L,I,N,K,I,N”. I started laughing and said “They spelled it phonetically?” and she agreed. As a joke I asked “What, did they name him after the band Linkin Park?” And yes…..yes, he did. The added bonus is that his baby mama who has another daughter with another guy? THAT little girl is named after Mariah Carey.
Best,
Tina
I have so many friends that can’t seem to figure out the life-is-so-much-better/easy/safer-without-drama. I really don’t get it.
Next time I have a stay in prison, I’ll look for you on the big screen!!
There is always one (or ten) in every family. Your children will be wonderful because YOU are wonderful.
I can relate — trust me. I have one cousin who is in and out of San Quentin regularly, one who is homeless by choice, and one who, on the day my aunt died, went to her house and stole everything she owned. I find it sad and horrifying in many ways, but they are who THEY are. It doesn’t affect me unless I let it. And it will never touch my son.
There is a reason I live two states and 12 hours away from my family. My peeps may not be ghetto, but a few are certainly trailer trash.
Oh my now that’s quite the stories. I am sure your children will not have to grow up with any of that….
Thanks for sharing. BlogSite is right, to read about this kind of anecdotes are funny but to live in one is another story.
My in-laws are all out-laws, drama kings and queens from the wrong side of the tracks. In 36 years, they’ve never figured out why I don’t like them or attend family “reunions.” As a result I’m the odd one in the family, and that suits me just fine.
It’s okay, Unknown, to be different from the rest of your relatives and raise your babies without all the drama and bullsh*t.
Wait – are we related? I think we are! You just described my dad’s side of the family! I had a cousin call me after he got out of prison and ask if we could “hook up.” And he didn’t sound like he meant coffee! I called my dad to tell him about it, and my dad said, “Oh yeah, I gave him your number.” WHAT??? I kindly told my dad that the next time a relative got out of prison, NOT to give him my number!
Your counselor is wise. Great words of advice! I think we all have things from our parents that they didn’t mean to pass on to us – no one is a perfect parent. But you are a good, kind-hearted, loving, caring person, and I have no doubt that you are raising your daughter to be the same, and will do great with this new little one.
Love it- well i don’t love it….but you’ve proved your point on their ‘ghettoness’!
You be the change.
While you don’t pick your family, you can demonstrate that you are a good, kindhearted person and at least you’ll die knowing that you were, and others who love you lots will see it too.
All the rest- whatever!
hey Charlie be careful crossing those tracks.
Breaking the cycle IS possible. You are smart and on track. Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are right or that you that they have to be your friends. WE get to chose who we like and who we interact with. If I was face to face with you right now I would give you a big hug and tell you that I am proud of you. But being miles away – this will have to do: (((((mami)))))) “I am proud of you.”
Family drama like this is fun to read but boy, to live in it….
Thanks for sharing!
My father always says “all people are peculiar” and you know it really is true, we are all odd in our own uniquely odd way and every family has its assortment of really odd characters and more. You cannot choose your family but as an adult you can decide how and how much you entwine your life and that of your children with them. Your own family and your children are your priority.
First of all, let me just start by saying, I’m sorry. I totally feel your pain. And while I also love and adore my family, we have tons of self-made drama over here too. I just spent a couple weeks with some of them and by the end of my visit I was ready to tear my hair out. Of course it was great to see them, but being around them full time makes me feel like I am inside some kind of crazy alternate universe. Anyway, please know that you are not alone and that it is okay to feel love and anger at the same time. Or frustration or whatever your difficult feelings are. And as for your sweet daughter and baby-to-be–they are growing up in a wonderful, loving, peaceful home. They are going to be just fine. I promise.
Oh my, we all have family issues. There are some sides of my family who I didn’t grow up with but who live in my heart. I love them and I can never forget them. They are totally different to me. I’m the one who would have called the police too. But somehow we get on.
Amiga, you are a new person. You are connected by dna, but you can write a new story for you and for your kids without disowning your roots. Accept yourself and your family members for what you are, and move on. You can do it. Your counsellor was right, you know!
Whenever I visit my mom’s family in Colorado, I hear about my aunt who did drugs-turned tricks-found Jesus-now works for Coors.
Every time.
Some of my family members think I don’t come for the holidays/showers/weddings etc, because I think I am too good for them (you know, having been educated beyond high school and being able to use “big words” in their proper context). It isn’t that at all. I just know it would be rude for me to sit there shaking my head in disbelief and staring with my mouth open at some of the things they say and do….and what THEY consider normal behavior. *shudder*
Oooh I know all about Ghetto, I feel you Unknown Mami:) And that first example, I’m still LMBO!!!
I’m impressed that you had the guts to call the cops at 11 when the rest of your family was confused by that decision. Probably a good call. Hate to think that could have ended badly. Well, I guess you found out where they were showing the nutrition video. Even so, it was kind of sweet of your aunt to brag about you. I think your kids will be fine. You’ll protect them from the craziness and you have a level head which will help them deal with whatever seeps through. I guess you can think of it this way, you don’t have to have crazy relatives to have to deal with a few loose screws here and there.
I am quite certain your children will never grow up ghetto, Mami. You are a fabulous Mom so please let this stress slip away from your mind.
I’m back from vacation and missed you. I’m off to catch up on your prior posts and will see you again on Sunday. I missed you. xo jj
You have the power here. YOU can be the catalyst for change. Your children will never have to have that drama and craziness in their lives – you are in charge!
And you can thank all of the crazy relatives for providing an example of behavior you will never tolerate in your own home – they did you a big favor.
Ghetto sounds a lot like white trash, it may be all a matter of geography.
I like your conclusion. And those were some fantastic stories!! my family is not half as fun 🙁
My family is pretty insane, too. At least you (we) realize there is a problem, which means you (we) can break the cycle. I have faith in you.
aww Mami!!you still ok to me always!!How ya been feeling?
I guess this is off subject but being the well known Unknown blogger you are I thought you would be a good one to ask. Does anyone use blogrolls anymore? I noticed you have a list of buttons which is like your blogroll. thanks
What you call Ghetto, some people call just real life. Rifles in peoples faces, knives even, broken bottles, just real life. Burning people, just real life. Not to minimize your feelings, you are a caring and loving woman and because there is so much drama in the family, you can’t help feeling overwhelmed. Calling your mother is something in your control. That is a good place to start. Put the egg timer near you when you call your mother. When things get too much have the timer ring and tell her you have an appointment.
Maybe your counselor can suggest some ways for you to protect your boundaries with your mother and then extend those tools to the rest of the family. Just think how cool it is that you came from that environment, you still love your extended family, you are a wife and able to be in a loving marriage, and you are a mom in your own right, not an extension of your own mother. You are so past all that and you are still learning and getting better every day.
You know, at least you always have an entertaining story to tell! I have a paternal Uncle (I met him once when I was very young, don’t even remember him) who had just gotten out of jail on parole for b&e and was picked up by one of his other brothers (not my father). Anyway, he asks for his brother to stop at a convenience store so he could get some smokes. HE ROBBED THE STORE! He had been on parole for like half an hour and robbed a store!
My Mom says he was the nicest one of the bunch too.
You bet it’s a possibility and the fact you have an awareness of what you want to be different will ensure it happens! You’re a great mommy!
Wow!
This is what I know. Any child raised by you has every possibility of happiness because she will know love to an enormous degree, she will see determination in her daily life by her two parents committed to showing her all the possibilities in the world, she will see responsibility in the way she is cared for, and she will see parents that respect her, themselves, and each other. She has every possibility of being happy (like Put-Pie is) and being a wonderful contributor to society.
I don’t talk about my family a lot but as you may have ghetto in your family, I have redneck. A lot. And I am always torn between my great love for them and my complete aversion to much of their world. We share very little other than blood. They do not respect me or the beliefs that I hold dear. I just try to meet them where they are. Enjoy short periods of time with them and limit my children’s exposure.
There is no perfect answer but I know you are more than enough woman to love your family and protect yourself and your family. Why do I know this? Because you are an awesome woman. That’s why.
🙂
Traci
(formerly 38traci)
Thank you, Traci.
I totally understand what you are saying and I celebrate my families eccentricities. What bothers me is when they compromise their safety and well being. The examples I shared are the more humorous ones, the ones I like to re-tell, the one I didn’t share that got me upset is the kind that puts my loved one’s life in danger. It’s good not to be “normal” or vanilla, it’s great to challenge the norms, but violence is not good, it just begets more violence and it kills me that some of my family thing it’s “normal”.
On a side note, those people with perfect lives scare me. My family doesn’t scare me, they just worry me sometimes.
I’m pretty sure with your perspective, you’re kiddos are going to be just fine!
I might be the only one on the comments to think this way, but in total and complete honesty — I would die if I had a boring family, if there was no drama and tension and conflict. I see people all around me in DC with perfect lives and listening to them bores me to tears. Stories without conflict are no good, and I love a good story.
It’s good that you live away, for your everyday sanity, though. That’ll make it all tolerable. Suerte!
OK your brother’s hilarious. And how nice for your aunt to be sitting in jail and see her neice on TV!
Get out of the city. That is too crazy! The prison! The rifle waving! The play exuberance : )
Hilarious. Your babies are going to turn out just fine. They are so loved. Don’t you think love makes all the difference. Who has time for drama when there is so much love all around you?
The 911 call? I get it. I really do.
I hear you on that part–when it gets to the point that you can’t sleep and stay up at night worried about it (been there), it’s crossed a line. Okay if it’s humorous, not okay if life’s are in danger.
Good food for thought, unknownmami
Sometimes the apple does fall far from the tree as with my brother. We just can’t understand why he adopted a ghetto lifestyle b/c we didn’t grow up that way. (weird) He comes with a lot of drama and wonders why everyone keeps a certain distance. We still love him even though he makes it challenging to do so. You are not alone. My hubby too has quite a handful of colorful relatives. Their stories would make a great movie. 😉
I guess my own kids are living proof of that, but it does seem rare, coming from where you and I come from.
My niece (white) has three babies by three different (African American) men and lives in the ghetto of Springfield, Illinois. I haven’t spoken to her in 2-3 years, because I just couldn’t take the drama any more. It’s a long, ridiculous story I won’t bore you with. I miss her, but not enough to open that door again.