It’s like I can’t help myself when I’m around my mother. I give myself a lecture before I see her and tell myself that this time I will be easy-going and just let her be who she is, but I never do.
When she comes to visit me and tries to get me to change my ways, I get so frustrated and sometimes offended. I mean she’s known me all these years and still she can’t just take me as I am. Why can’t she just accept me?
I don’t know why she can’t just accept me, but I’m beginning to think it’s not her. I can be dense, but I’m not a complete idiot and I have to admit that I am guilty of not accepting her, of constantly trying to change her.
I can’t stand it when she critiques things in my house; it drives me absolutely bonkers. She rearranges things when I’m not looking and as soon as I see the change, I don’t even consider whether it is better or not before I change it back.
Today, my mother made me realize that I am a jerk and that she is not. You see apparently I come to her house and although I do not have the audacity to move things around, I do have the nerve to tell her what I don’t like about her house. What’s wrong with me? Why do I think that is any better than what she does when she visits me?
What I do is worse because when my mother changes things in my house she isn’t doing it to be a jerk, she is doing it to be helpful, to supposedly make things easier for me. When I visit my mother and bitch, I’m not trying to make anything easier for her; I’m just being a bratty child.
I complained about a table she put in the bathroom I use when I visit. That bathroom is really small and the table bugs me because it gets in my way, but you know what? It is her house and she can do whatever she wants in it. I could tell that when I complained about the table, I hurt my mom’s feelings. If she had done the same thing to me in my home, I would have glued the table to the bathroom floor so she couldn’t move it when I wasn’t looking.
My mother is not me and she does not do things just to spite me. Even though I hurt my mother’s feelings for no good reason, she responded to my brattiness with love. I left her house for a few hours and when I came back, the offending table was no longer in the bathroom.
This gesture makes me cry because the only reason my mother removed the table was to try and please me and it made me realize just how much my mother tries to please me. She makes me calabacitas every single time I visit because she knows how much I like them. She buys me clothes I don’t like and complain about because every once in awhile she manages to get me something I do like and that makes her so happy that she’s willing to always keep trying.
She moved a table for me and made me realize that she might not always “get” me, but she always loves me. Even when I’m being a jerk.
Don’t you think we are much like our parents and the not so good things bother us even more because we often see it in ourselves? My parents have been gone for awhile now, but there are characteristics of my dad that I find in myself that I didn’t like in him or especially me. I guess we should focus on the positive parts of these complicated actions.
You said it.
I was a major jerk to my mother last week. Major. In my defense – she was being a perfect bitch to me – really really awful – but that is not the point. I was a jerk. It’s nice to know I’m at least in good company.
I think we begin to realize they do the things they do out of love because we do the same for our own kids.
Moms and daughters. Tough scenario.
I love that she loves you so much.
You are not a jerk…you’re human. That parent/child relationship is complicated stuff under the BEST of circumstances. I have to bite my tongue and put on a smile with my mother all the time….and she truly is a hurtful person. But there are times when she tries.
Awhile back I realized that her efforts may be hurtful or neglectful, but they are the best she can do with what she’s got.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. It sounds like she truly values you….so she probably understands.
Best,
Tina
My mother used to criticize me every time I came home. I should cut my hair, I should lose weight, I should dress differently, yada , yada, yada. Finally, one day I sat down and told her how that made me feel, and that sometimes I dreaded visiting because of it. Well, she felt so bad about it! I don’t think she ever realized what she was doing and how I felt. After that, she always found something to praise me for when I visited, and stopped criticizing. I was so glad I had told her how I felt, because I honestly believe she had no idea that she was doing it. We became even closer after that. I always lived (after college) at least an hour away or more. I began to call her daily on the phone and visited as often as I could until the day she died. I still miss her today…It’s been 25 years. No one loves you like your mother does. I hope my kids feel that way about me.
I think mother/daughyer relationships are very yhard. I thought I’d be better with my girls than my mom was with me, but now i”m not so sure.
Hang in there and adjust keep loving.
Cherish all those feelings because one day she won’t be here to bother you. When my parents do something that embarrasses me I just soak in the embarrassing feelings and think about how one day………it’ll all be just a memory. Which is sad really. But ya know they still embarrass me but I appreciate their embarrassing things…does that even make sense?
Anyway, I still think of your wheelchair girl in the thrift store and you tooting on her and your mom thinking it was the wheelchair girl and it’s even making me laugh now! I love you and your mom.
I had a very similar relationship with my mother. Once I said you never get me anything I like I’d rather have money. So she gave me a check for my birthday after that. I wish I had kept my mouth shut. She may not have always gotten it right, but the item she made an effort to pick out was a lot more personal than a check. Let it go. I think you’ve figured that out. I got along with my mother so much better after I did. The sooner you do this the more happy years you will have with her. She’ll be gone before you know it and then there’s no way to get back the wasted time.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I think at some time in our lives, we’ve all said words that hurt our moms (unintentionally). What many of your commenters are saying is to talk about it, and then let it go. I’m finding my teenage daughters are doing the same with me without realizing it. I am responding the way my mom did by forgiving and letting go. Make the most of every moment with your mom, even the trying moments.
Oh Mami… this brought tears to my eyes.
At first I was all like well, if you’re going to respect her wishes, shouldn’t she also respect yours? By the end of your post, I had an attitude adjustment.
See, thats what Moms do. They treat you with love even when you’re being a twit.
I did something to my mother years ago that could easily have made her disown me… but did she? No. She found a way to forgive me and love me even more than she did before. It’s that love that keeps me on the straight now. I still cannot believe she still loves me sometimes… but thats how God made Moms, and I can only hope to love my future children the same way. It’s how I try to treat my nieces and nephews now.
You may feel that way but if you were really a jerk you wouldn’t realize you were being a jerk. From what I know jerks are not that self aware. It looks like besides blogher you had lots going on in your visit. I can’t wait to hear more about your time in SD.
You are not a jerk. You are realizing now,what makes up the often complicated mother/daughter relationship, and at least you can be honest about it all! Every minute that the two of you have together to try and figure this out is important. I wish my mom was here to be jerk to me… I’d try and be a lot more honest…
The mirror is hard to look into without seeing parts of ourselves. I notice that the things that bug me about my mom or my sisters are the parts that I try to hide from myself or are things that I do, but dislike about myself.
It’s tough growing up! and we thought we were all done with that part of our lives so many years ago.
It sounds like you’re so much alike, and because of that you butt heads a lot. My daughter and her dad are the same way.
PS. So, so, so very bummed we never met! 🙁
It’s unconditional love with a few hiccups along the way! Say your sorry always erases the jerkiness!
Oh, friend…if only you knew how often this has happened with me and my mother. I think there is this invisible force between mothers and daughters that make us act like fools at different times. I know how much my mother loves me yet I let silly things drive me crazy and I hurt her feelings for no real reason. Will we change our ways before it’s too late? 🙂
As a mother of two daughters and a daughter of a lovely Mum that died just two months ago, this post made me smile. 🙂
Awe. You realizing it will make you more aware & that is a huge move on your part to wanting to communicate better with your mama. I love that you always say whatever it is that you are feeling & there is no sugar coating it. I have this same exact feeling with my mom a lot of the time!
Sometimes we moms have a hard time letting go. I know I do with my grown kids. It sounds like your mom really loves you. You’ve helped me see, though, why sometimes my girls act the way they do with me and for that I thank you. On another hand, your mom may drive you nuts sometimes, but you have her. I don’t have mine anymore and I really wish she was here to make me crazy.
Moms are amazing *tear*
Well, fortunately, she is still here for you to do something sweet for her, like write her a little thank you note for the calabacitas.
This is good. How can we not see how much alike we are? Most of the time we just want to do what makes our child happy, we don’t do it to bug them but I know it can feel that way. I have learned to not comment or change things. My daughter cleans my house and is always moving things. She is great at setting up amazing displays but I like things the way I had them so I move them. It is my house!
you made me cry and made me realize Im a jerk too…thank you…
Thank you for letting me know.