Parenting is difficult. There is not one right way to do it, but there seems to be a whole lot of wrong ways. All you can do is follow your gut, try to be informed, and proceed with love and caution.
Right now, one of the parenting issues I am struggling with is discipline and the issue of spanking. I will disclose right now that I am not in favor of it. There are many reasons why it doesn’t sit well with me. That doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes want to spank or that I’ve never done it. I’m just being honest and telling you that in my gut it does not feel right.
I’ve read arguments in favor of spanking and arguments against spanking. I’m sure it comes as no surprise that I favor the arguments against it. So what’s the problem, right?
Here’s the thing, I like many other parents am not parenting alone. So what do you do if your parenting partner feels differently about spanking than you do? Is there a compromise?
Well here’s what I did, I sent my husband the following email (edited for brevity and none-of-your-business) and linked to the aforementioned arguments against spanking:
Honey, I know that sometimes it is difficult for us to talk about things. I get that I am not the easiest person to talk to, but I love you and I think it is very important that we discuss certain things especially when it comes to raising our children.
I am asking you…to…read the following article…I want to use it as a springboard for discussion.
… If you do not agree with the points it makes then I will respect that, but I want you to read it and tell me why you don’t agree.
… I need to feel comfortable with how we are disciplining our children and right now I don’t… I trust that you are an intelligent and loving parent and if you still believe in spanking after reading the article then I will just have to trust your judgement, but the article perfectly voices feelings I have about it devaluing both the child and the parent, about it saying to the child that hitting is okay, and about the memories it creates…
… Again if you disagree, I will accept your disagreement.
Thank you. I love you.
Then I waited and got this response:
O.K., I don’t believe that it makes the child think it’s o.k. to hit, but I do agree that “Parents who examine their feelings after spanking often realize that all they have accomplished is to relieve themselves of anger.” And so, I will not spank…Easy right?
Adios!
Have I mentioned lately that I love my husband?
My husband and I had a very similar conversation and reached the exact same conclusion.
I don’t agree with spanking either, but now I have a difficult 17 year old daughter who I’m finding very hard to handle, I’m wondering if I was right or wrong.
What an awesome couple you guys are! Truly impressive. And I just wouldn’t be me without offering up my unsolicited assvice. Read the book “easy to love, difficult to discipline” by doctor Becky Bailey. You will fill your parenting tool box and feel empowered. It’s what I use and what I teach in my classes. I like it loads better than Love and Logic.
Hope all is well.
Best,
Tina
I’m glad you were able to bring him around to your way of thinking.
so what does hitting a pinata tell a child?
that the strong get candy
Haha!! or the weak that carry a stick!!
Im all for the Pinata by the way!
Sticks don’t kill piñatas, people kill piñatas…or is that saying for guns?
Well that was easy! My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but I know we’ll have to have a similar conversation eventually.
I find it troubling that the only person that you are allowed to hit and not get charged with assault is your own child. I am not in favor of spanking, but to each his own.
Wow, very good (communication)! And I couldn’t agree more re:spanking.
So glad he agreed!!!
parenting is really difficult. okay I’m not a parent but i couldn’t agree more.
great post!
big hugs
betty
I would be dishonest to say spanking is terrible and don’t ever do it because I had done it. Was it effective? Probably not much. One problem with it is you can’t depend on it and as the kids grow older, you’ll probably hear, “that doesn’t hurt.” You could probably tell me many more problems with it. Parents need to be in control and that also includes themselves. Anger is not that easy to control at times and spanking makes controlling that even harder. The first sentence of this post is very very true. All the best with it.
You are awesome UM. The patience and faith it took for you to write the letter to your spouse is incredibly loving and respectful, to him and to you. His response is honorable.
My own view is no spanking, but I have smacked a hand/butt or three when safety was an issue and it was immediate. The time-out chair worked but it’s consistency and using it age appropriately that makes that work.
I was spanked a couple of times but it was the flying chancla or the wrath of a shaken broom that taught me to run faster, hide better and duck quicker. Better to calm down, take a minute during the child’s time out, and then discipline, IMHO.
I may disagree with where you guys landed, but I think you guys handled this so well!! I seriously commend you on this conflict resolution!!
I have heard the arguments for not spanking, however, ask anyone in Finnland how the non-spanking/lack of discipline goes. I recently heard a parent from there quite frustrated with the societal outcome. I would like to caveat this: if you discipline any manner in anger, it is done wrong. PERIOD. It is possible to do it properly and controlled.
Times are different now….when I grew up we were spanked with a belt,hand, wooden spoon, soap in the mouth….and just the threat sometimes was enough. I on occasion when my daughter was little swatted (sounds better) her but time out worked for her and really had very little discipline to do. Good topic!
In our adoption paperwork we had to sign that we would not spank. Non-issue for us. However, it does spark my own issue of adoptive parents being held to a completely different and higher level than biological parents. The government trusts me to have the child but obviously not to be able to do research and come to a reasonable solution like you and your husband.
He’s a gem, alright. I think like you do.. it’s not alright to hit our kids but at the same time I have to admit there were times that I did.. though only when it was a major attention-getter and not out of general irritation or frustration. It had to be REALLY important to get their attention. Fast forward many years and I have had discussions with my now-adult sons. They both swear that I have never hit them.. ever. What was a major trauma for me.. “I slapped my son’s butt!” didn’t even land on their discipline radar. They remember my verbal ways of dealing with things.. and nothing worse.
I don’t think I spanked too often but your right, it really is not necessary.
I have so much love for you both for this 🙂
Aww, thanks.
All I can say is that my husband and I agree 99% on the way we’ve raised our 11 kids. I think what it all comes down to, spanking or not, is being the parent and teaching respect, and not trying to be your kids’ best friend.
You handled a difficult subject well and I am so glad your husband and you are on the same wave length.
That’s awesome that you were able to resolve it so easily!
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I’m not a huge fan of spanking either. My mom was the disciplinarian in the family so she spanked us a few times here and there. I remember one time I was “bullying” my little brother and I guess my dad got really annoyed with me and out of nowhere, he just spanked me on the butt. I was in such shock because he had NEVER spanked me before. I turned around, looked at him with my shocked face, and he suddenly realized what he’d done. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged me for a long time, apologizing over and over. He never spanked me again after that. Thanks to him, I didn’t want to enforce spanking in my parenting skills.
Aww, your daddy sounds like a sweetie.
Your husband is a fine, fine man. Mine agrees with my anti-spanking mindset, thankfully. But if he didn’t, I’d like to think we’d be able to discuss it as rationally as you two did.
Well done!
I used to spank.
I don’t anymore.
AND it has nothing to do with it being ILLEGAL in this country to spank your child … I do think we spank a child to relieve our ANGER more often than not.
Now I send them to their room, or take away something they want for a while… it’s much more satisfying for sure! lol
And strangely enough, this form of discipline works way better!
I’m not in favour of spanking either. I was spanked as a child, and I was never strongly for or against it when I was growing up. But I have a 20 month old now and I no longer agree with it. Yes, I have spanked him when I was very unsure of what else to do, but it never worked, so I found other forms of discipline that work much better.
BUT, I did find when I was swatting his bum when he was younger (closer to 1) HE WAS DOING A LOT OF HITTING. After I stopped spanking him, he stopped hitting.
For my child it was a direct relationship. Me hitting him taught him it was okay to hit me and others.
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