I believe that “worry” is a wasted emotion. I guess it’s not really an emotion, maybe it’s a state of being. Whatever it is I have spent far too much of my life worrying about things that may never happen, things that I can not change, things that are out of my control. Why?! Why do I do this to myself? Worrying about something has never actually made my life better, but still I worry. My favorite time to worry is late at night when I am laying next to my gently snoring husband. I mean why rest when I can worry about things I can’t solve in the middle of the night?
When I became a mother I was worried that my worries would increase, but oddly enough they have decreased or shall I say, they have become more focused. I’ve let go of much of my frivolous worrying. So what do I worry about now? Oh the list is still long, but here are the top three.
- Finances. Who doesn’t worry about this right? I’ve learned that I can do with out a lot as long as I know I am providing what my daughter needs.
- My family. I worry about our safety, our health, our happiness. I want us to like and love each other.
- Me. Yup, I worry about me. I worry that I will sabotage our happiness. I’ve had a rocky life and although I’ve had moments of peace and joy they have not been the norm. I tend to look for problems. I just can’t seem to trust that things can run smoothly. I’m working on it, but I worry that I am too flawed to be a good wife and a good mother. (I am not fishing for reassurance. I realize that I am not a bad person, I’m just being honest about these particular insecurities and the worry they cause me.)
ALSO READ: How This Control Freak is Learning to be out of Control
Those are the biggies that I worry about on a regular basis, but I am happy to say that I’ve let go of so many other worries that used to occupy my thoughts and I do think it has something to do with becoming a mother. Here are the top three things I no longer cause me worry:
- Looking like a fool. I don’t worry about this anymore because it is inevitable. I’ve left the house thinking I look good only to realize I have a big schmeer of poop on my pants. Whatever, I shrugged my shoulders and pretended it was mustard.
- Being perfect. I used to be big on perfectionism, which meant I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure. Not anymore! I’m too tired to try and be perfect and I just don’t care anymore, I’d rather be happy.
- Comparing myself to others. I know some very successful people and it is easy to feel like I don’t measure up, but I finally understand that success looks different for everyone.
I’m not alone right? You worry, too…right? What do you worry about late at night and what have you finally stopped worrying about?
ALSO READ: Worrying is Praying for What You Don’t Want
I remember once I had a revelation from the blue and resolved on the spot to stop worrying. About anything. Ever. I kid you not, my brain's first reaction to that resolution was to worry about what would happen if I didn't worry enough.
Oh, the late night worrying. It's a killer. I worry about all those things, and my job, and tornadoes, and world peace…okay, maybe not that last one. But I have stopped worrying about whether people like me or not. I just don't have the energy to care anymore…
I have really worked on my worrying in the past 3-4 years. Life is so much better without it…or, at least, less of it! :o) Plus, spending 36 years around my mom (who worries about EVERYTHING) has been an amazing deterrent.
Oh yes, I may seem carefree (if you know me)…but I constantly worry! School, finances, health, life in general…I find that it really helps to call my mom and vent for awhile. She has such a calm personality, that I just can't help but calm down and feel better. Oh, and praying helps too. Always helps!
I try to let worry go. It certainly creeps in or slams in from time to time. I'm human and my connection to humanity kinda forces that, you know?
But I do believe that, to some degree, worry is a wasted emotion. Unless I use it to spur me forward, worry only hurts me, you know?
My faith also lets me turn it over and give it up, you know?
I worry about everything. Money, jobs, kids college, everything…. if you let yourself it can get very overwhelming. Oh and I agree getting something on your mind late at night. The worst.
Another bloggy friend recently wrote something similar, worrying (!) that she was alone in her level of worrying. The many responses reassured her that she wasn't! I think it's the female state to worry. I'm calmer than I used to be but I still have times when I'm almost crippled by worry: should I do this, or should I do that? In the end I end up doing nothing…which worries me because I'm achieving so little for my trouble!
Oh this opens a big can of worms for me. I worry about my health, and my husbands health because he is quite a bit older than me, I worry about my Mom since my Dad died, I worry about my house falling down….lol…how silly is that. it is 112 years old and it is slightly crooked, so I worry,,,,it is crazy and I know that, ahh whats a gal to do. tHINGS I no longer worry about are,1. what people think of me…it is take me or leave me, 2. I no longer worry about my illness, it does not define me, 3. I no longer worry about how bad the world is because there is still more good than badd…………back to my other list….money, theres always the money thing! Try not to worry Mami!
I am with you since becoming a Mom all the “stupid” or should I say unimportant stuff that used to stress me out flew out the window. I think I will always worry a little about the biggies ($, family etc) but I don't dwell on it. Life is what we make it. Right?
I too do the late late night worry. My girls, finances, hubby & family are what I mostly think about. I used to worry about so many other things that now make me just kind of chuckle. Ohhhh how life changes!
Yep, I'm a big worrier too. I do agree with you that since having kids I care far less what other people think (well, most of the time). My husband is always amazed that the best thing in life can happen to the women on my side of the family and somehow we'd find a way to worry about it!
OMG! I find a way to worry about the good things that happen to me too. It is pretty ridiculous.
I am always worried about everything. that's me.My name is Miss Worry. I can't help it.I love this post.
Worring Betty xx
Jeez, I worry all the time!
Well my top worries currently are: finances, husbands health, my son (17) and my daughter (14).
Things I no longer worry about are: earthquakes, looking like a mother of 4 (like I don't know what I am doing when one is having an outburst or a meltdown) and that I am doing the parent thing right. That last one was really hard for me to let go this past year. I know I am doing my best and the rest has to be left up to God.
I worry that I am too flawed, too. It's faulty thinking, because I believe I was meant to be Owen and Joel's mom, but I still lose lots of sleep over it. I worry about accidents and crashes and loss.
I don't worry about my weight anymore, or what others think of me (most of the time).
I'm grateful to have your words, UM.
Good for you! I'm worried about something right now so the title of this post made me say yes immediately. I worry about money and about my ex coming after me or my son. I don't have time to worry about much else, and as you said, worrying about perfection, etc only defeats you.
I worry most about things when it is quiet. Most of the time though I'm running around chasing little ones so I don't have time to worry.
I worry about finances, too. Hubby and I are both retired, and our social security checkcs don't cover our monthly bills. I do have a 401k, but I worry that I will outlast my funds.
I don't worry about my kids so much anymore; they're all grown and have familes of their own. I'm doing my best to leave the worrying about my grandkids to their parents.
Oh, I am the queen of worries…talk to me! For me it's prefection…rediculous….wasted energy. Your not alone.
Oh, worries. Yes, the common enemy. It causes frown lines on your face, it causes your mouth to look more terse… it causes you to think way differently.
We all worry. I know I do. But I am much like you– I've given up on worrying about things I cannot change at the moment. Like taxes. Last year, I owed the IRS $3,000. I freaked out so bad, but I did not spend the night worrying about it because there was nothing I could do about it that night. Where was I going to get the money?! Once I figured that part out, my worries went away.
My mother, on the other hand… worried herself into a frenzy. Into a grumpy, unsatisfying, angry frenzy. She was pissed at me for owing that much. Even if I figured a way to pay it off, she wouldn't stop worrying about it until we got the letter saying it was paid off. And I am like, see, you worried all this time about nothing. It annoys her when I do that, hahaha. But I agree, I think it is a gigantic waste of energy.
I'm glad I'm not the only one (haha) who is an obsessive worrier. I too have gotten much better over time (and with each child) but for me it's taken a lot of prayer and truly realizing that worrying ISN'T going to make the situation change. Good post Mami!
Thank YOU for this post. It caused me to reflect on my worries and I wrote a blog post about worry. Thanks, AND YOU are not alone.
i worry too. You are welcome to read my blog post if you'd like.
http://oneclutteredbrain.blogspot.com/2010/02/y…
Oh yes. I worry. But it´s more about my kids, than myself. And exactly THAT is my problem…..
Oh dear girl, I could write a worry book. First it was something awful was going to happen to my babies, then toddlers, then school agers, then teens (well, then I didn't worry, cuz most of the time if they got hurt, it was going to be because I bonked them for being obnoxious), now they are in college and I am STILL worrying. That just scratches the surface.
My old doctor laughed in my face years ago (yeah, he was an asshole, but I didn't know it at the time) when I was worried about one of the boys. He asked me “so are you worried about the world coming to an end too?” He said, if I couldn't save it, fix it or cure it, to not worry about it.
He was an ass, but this one and only time, he was right.
My son….every single day, I worry about him. His health. His leg, will it ever heal or will it need to be amputated. His vision….does he have an optic glioma growing on his optic nerve, will it stop growing, so he will be blessed with a lifetime of normal vision….or will it get so big that he will lose his vision. Will the ever be a cure for NF1? Will he have a somewhat normal life? Will he be okay?
I worried enough in 2008 to last me a lifetime. When I feel the beginning of jitters or queasy stomach I get right to it and face what is bothering me, then I decide if I need to do something or if I can do something, and if not, I have to let it go. So I kick it in the behind and send it on its way. I don't mean to make it sound easy peasy. It takes work. If I find myself in bed unable to sleep and hubby is sawing zzzzz I refuse to lay there and go over and over things. I get up and do something. Read. Clean the kitchen (the furthest room from where hubby is sleeping so I won't wake him). Sit at the computer and type out a letter to my aunt or someone. Put my headphones on and listen to music. Usually in a half hour or an hour I have put everything down mentally and am ready to take a deep breath and put my head on my pillow and close it all out for the night. I think you have so much more going on in your life than I do, you are a young mother and you want to work, so you have more to deal with than I do. You have cajones (or is there a female version of cajones?) and you are intelligent so you have the ingredients for a great life.
sigh. The worrying in the middle of the night when there's not a darn thing you can do about any of it…this is part of why I am so tired right now.
I do worry much less about certain things; but others seem to take their place. I know I worry more about my adult children now than I did when they were younger. And they're good kids. Maybe it's the lack of control??
OH you are not alone my friend, that is forsure…I worry so much that I worry about my worries…seriously it is a bad thing.
peace
I am a worrier just like you.
I worry about pandemics, earthquakes, terrorists, child molesters, burglars, etc.
The list is endless. And I worry about all of them EVERY NIGHT!
Wish I didn't worry so much!
I appreciate the vulnerability you showed in this post. I had to laugh at the first thing you no longer worry about; all of us mom's can relate (well, the normal ones, anyway, haha)
late at night, i worry my kids get hurt. actually its kinda a nightmare. other than that, not a whole lot.
I agree with you in theory, but it's tough not to worry about money sometimes! Also? I worry that my hubby will die and leave me with all of these precious children! Ack!
I look like a fool every day. EVERY.DAY. And I'm not perfect. You know how I know? Cuz I compare myself to others all day long. Between worrying about money and my kids, though.
You're like a brother from another mother. I could have written this myself. It's hard to let go of this. All the worrying and the fears (looking like a fool is a HUGE fear of mine).But writing about it, talking about it and leaving yourself little notes of affirmations. Just simple things. They will help.
You are SO not alone! If you add up List A with List B, you'll have my regular worries (never mind the little extraneous ones that pop up as life goes on)… *sigh*
I flip flop between being a total worry wart and a complete “Oh who cares?!” Usually though, I will go back very quickly to worry about what others think of me. It's a very tiring existence. One thing that I do worry (and I hope to one day write a post about) is end of world scenario: I have very poor eyesight and I am convinced I will be the first one to get eaten by the dinosaur. (Or whatever monster that's destroying the world). Great post as usual.
The real question is, “What do I not worry about?” That's a non-existent list.
Poor Tuesday
In the past I was a big worrier – but have come to terms and learned to let go. The only thing I really worry about is my family's safety. They all laugh at me because me famous last words are “be careful” always!
I have to say that there are very few things I worry about these days. I tend to worry about my kids' various issues and/or my ageing parents more than anything else.
I have given up worrying about my looks, success, what people think of me and money, among other things.
I worry about 2012. Will the world end? Crazy, isn't it?
I always say worrying is just pointless but man I can't get over it I'm always thinking and worry about the kids, money everything … Ugh.
I worry too. I try not to but I can't help it when the kids have a cold, all but 3 dollars of my check goes to paying the mortgage and $3 doesn't go far in the grocery store. I worry about our country, I worry about my rights and if I'll have any at the end of this year. I worry about my bloggy friends when they're struggling. I worry about everyone and everything….
I hope you feel better soon, hon!
Hugs!!
you nailed this one! i think we are related. we could be siblings. Are you sure you are not from New Hampshire?
I have difficulty distinguishing between being prepared for an anticipated obstacle /planning the preemptive strike and worrying. Mami, I wish you an abundance of peace in exchange for all that you say and do for your readers. I worry mostly that someone will harm my children. Like some random crime of opportunity.
No, you are not alone, AT ALL! I don't know anyone who doesn't have a worry. Even people who are without a care in the world must have something to worry about, right? Don't you think that worrying about something that concerns you makes you more aware of it (like your #3) and less likely to veer towards the negative. I'm a worrier, but I think that makes me catch things that I wouldn't have caught otherwise.
I worry a lot, but I am not as bad as I used to be. My mother literally LOOKS for things to worry about and then tries to get me to worry with her! Drives me insane.
You betcha, we all do! I worry about the exact same things. Also about dying poor and alone.
Hon, I know that feeling!
I used to worry about being liked, how I looked and how many friends I had. Gawd, when I think of the wasted energy! This was a long time ago. Now, being liked is still a lovely thing but I am happy with who I am and can only expect to be liked on those terms, looking great went out the window with twins but it came back in a different way; I am happy to look good enough to occasionally great… :O)…can't imagine every worrying too much about my appearance these days. I no longer worry about how many friends I have but concentrate instead on the ones I have.
My worries late at night will always be the health, safety and happiness of my family. I also worry about silly things which can grow arms and legs at night; a girl once made an inaccurate observation about my parenting and although I know she was mistaken, I sometimes wonder if there is any truth in it….ah, sometimes the worst enemy is the mother next to you but luckily, 99% of them are truly wonderful. :O)
I consider myself an excellent worrier. I have the rare gift, handed down from my dear mother, to worry about the most insane, out of this world, miniscule things. Like: oh no, Kaiya is running down the street… what if she falls down and a sinkhole opens up and she is SWALLOWED BY THE EARTH. Rather than the more obvious: what if she get hit by a car? I made a resolution to not worry. Then I worried about keeping it.
Motherhood completely cured me of worrying what other people think of me. Once you've done the funky chicken in the middle of Target to distract a toddler from a melt down . . . well, what's left?
One (there's more that one) of the best things to do late at night is dream. I find dreaming much more enjoyable than worrying. Daydreaming is pretty good too.
Honestly, I understand worrying about your family and your responsibility. It sounds like you know the answer but worry about it being right. You know if our bodies didn't feel any pain we would all be hurting ourselves, so maybe worrying is the way we prepare for the future. Everyone needs some worry but too much and it becomes too controlling.
I don't mean to appear like I know what I'm talking about – it's just my opinion.
Ahhh Mami– I worry all the time. Xanax helps 🙂
xo
lol…i gave that up…..seriously….i'm so tired when i get into bed i can barely finish the first sentence i start thinking of….seems 7 kids seems to be a great cure!
Of course. I think everyone worries. My husband is the worry-er for us though. I tend to shrug things off more easily.
I do the whole 'worrying-in-the-middle-of-the-night' thing too, it drives me bonkers when all I want to do is sleep. I pretty much worry about the same things you do: my family and our well-being, finances, and I have to admit, I still worry that I'm gonna screw up this whole motherhood thing, but that's as bad as it used to be. I'm learning every day as I go along.
I worry. Money, mostly. One of my kids. Money. Yeah.
I worry. Money. One of my kids. Money. Yeah.
Thanks for writing this. I think we all worry in one way or another, but there seems to be a lot of shame attached to worrying so we don't talk about it. It's something that is too often dismissed with advice such as “you think too much, just relax, calm down, chill out, blah blah blah” – which can just make it worse because then we worry about worrying too much. I think that the Anthony Robbins “self-help” industry just adds to this myth that if we aren't able to surpress our anxiety with our own positive self-talk, then there is something wrong with us. Anyways, this post has inspired me to write my own about the shame attached to worrying. I'll link back here when I'm done. Thanks! – G
I admit to smiling as I read your post. I worry all of the time. If it's a topic you can worry about, I'll worry. Sometimes I downright scare the heck out of myself worrying. The thing is, even if the outcome is as bad as we worried it might be, the worrying ahead of time didn't lessen the dealing with whatever we worried about. Umm did I confuse you?
great post Mami!!!so true!You made me and remember alot about myself!!
I worry about dying before my twinkies grow up! My son in prison.I hadn't heard from him then I found out he was in lock down(had to have that one explained to me)all my kids salvation(belief and personal relationship with God) and if they will grow to be happy adults?If I can just be happy consistently.petrified to gain the weight I just lost!!!I know vain,vain,vain but it was so hard to lose!
lots more maybe you should do a weekly on this one or maybe I should??then I'd worry if anyone would play!!haha Gotcha!!Love u lady!!
Ooh wee…when reading your post, I could have sworn you wrote it about me! I too am a worry wart…I use to convince myself that if I worrid about it today, I could prevent it tomorrow…always waiting for the bottom to fall out…until one day when I least expected it, the bottom did fall out and now its time to rebuild!
I think a better question would be what do I not worry about. I worry constantly. It is a waste of time but I can't stop.
I'm trying not to worry about my finances so much, but it's hard when you are unemployed. I'm trying to take it one day, one month, one year at a time. I'm trying to not worry so much that I can't enjoy myself and the time I finally have to travel.
Nope your not alone out there. We all need to relax 'cause all worry does is cause worry lines!!!
Ya'll have a fantastic day and…..don't worry, be happy1 :o)
no need to worry, i have some bloggy award love for you:
http://peekthruourwindow.blogspot.com/2010/02/s…
Oh yeah I do that too…. but about crazy ass shit..it was my previous post about a month ago..i find that by writing them down it helps to erase their importance…usually mine revolve around dangerous things happening…thats about it..but its enough..!!
I used to worry a lot too, but then I found out that I can't control a lot of things, so worrying doesn't help. I definitely can't control something happening to myself, my kids, my family members. I see way too often freak accidents which cause people's deaths. Most recently I think about a man killed driving to work under another highway. Did he wake up that morning thinking a tractor trailer was going to drive off the overpass and land on him and kill him? D