I Am Not Comfortable In My Skin or Am I?

Something extraordinary happened this weekend. I got into a pool! That might not seem very extraordinary to you, but for me it is completely out of the ordinary. You see, I don’t do pools. Why? Well, pools require bathing suits and I can’t stand wearing bathing suits because I am not comfortable in my skin. I wish I was, I pretend to be, but I so am not. 

Or am I? 

I champion other people’s bodies. I see beauty in stretch marks that are not my own, I never think cellulite gets in the way of thick thighs saving lives as long as it’s not the cellulite on my own thighs. I think squishy bellies are cute when I see them flaunted in the sun, but my belly gets hidden because I don’t feel like sharing my squishy belly with most people. 

Now, I don’t want to make it seem like I can’t stand my body. It’s not that at all. I am appreciative of everything that it has provided me, but if I am being honest I hide it and I’ve been hiding it for a very long time. 

If I search my memory for a time when I wasn’t intentionally hiding my body, I have to go back to when I was 15 years old. I remember being at the beach with a friend when I was 15. She was wearing a white bathing suit that she looked great in and I was wearing a bright orange bathing suit with black trim. I felt fine in it, cute even. Confident enough to walk, run, swim and lounge without ever once feeling like I should cover up. 

I don’t remember when I stopped feeling comfortable in my skin – or more like comfortable showing skin – but I don’t think I made it to 16 before I felt the need to hide most of my body and I’ve been hiding it ever since. And if you think I started hiding my body because of size or weight issues, you’d be wrong because I started hiding it before the squishy belly and the cellulite. I started hiding it back in the days of flat abs and smooth thighs. 

So many people talk about their body issues openly as a way to heal, as a way to help others heal and I think that’s wonderful, but I don’t. It’s actually really a big deal for me to share this with you because I absolutely HATE that I have any body issues whatsoever. I’ve been so confused by them, ashamed even because I am supposed to be above this shit. I am supposed to be more enlightened than this. I am supposed to flip a finger at the patriarchy and all oppressive bullshit because I know better, I know it’s bullshit and I’ve always known it. 

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Here’s the thing though, somehow I got things twisted. I started thinking that dressing modestly equated with being uncomfortable in my skin because if I was comfortable in my skin wouldn’t I be flaunting it left and right? 

What’s more, in private when I am with the person I love, I am not ashamed of my body. I do not hide, I do not care about my squishy belly or the cellulite on my thick thighs. In those moments I am not embarrassed or coy. I feel free, happy, loveable and loved.

Or when I’m around my kids, I feel no shame about my body. I parade around the house in various states of undress and they make me feel beautiful. 

It’s in public when I feel the need to hide or cover up, when I feel uncomfortable if “too” much skin is showing. And if I feel the need to cover up, to hide my body it must be because I’m uncomfortable in my skin.

Or am I? 

This weekend I realized that I can be modest and comfortable in my skin. That the two are not mutually exclusive. You see, I wore what most people would consider an INCREDIBLY modest bathing suit and I felt great in it. It fit, it didn’t make me feel frumpy or like I was wearing it to hide any perceived flaws. In fact, I forgot all about it. 

What I learned this weekend is that I prefer to be modest in public, not because I don’t love my body, it’s just that I feel more comfortable not sharing every detail. I’m cool with other people letting it all hang out, but I prefer more coverage and that’s OK.

So, I’m happy because I did something extraordinary this weekend: I went into a pool wearing a modest bathing suit that I was perfectly comfortable in and learned that I don’t have to wear a tiny bathing suit to prove to myself or anyone else that I am comfortable in my skin. I can be modest and comfortable in my skin at the same time.