I live on the brink of panic. In fact, I have panic disorder. I hate it. I do things to protect myself like not watch the news or stay away from certain forms of entertainment, but I have to live, I have to exist in this world and this world makes me panic. There are reasons for it. I’ve been mugged at gunpoint and because of it, I know what I’m made of. Years later I saw the man who was to become my husband get beat up after he helped a woman that was getting mugged because it appears that no good deed goes unpunished.
Even as I write this I feel my chest tighten with a surge of adrenaline spiked with fear; it creeps up from my chest to the back of my throat where I can taste it and it makes me choke.
Last night, I saw the news, not all of it, but something that isn’t even that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, BUT now I feel afraid. I want to hide.
So what was the story that set me off? It’s embarrassing. In San Francisco people with iPhones are getting jacked for their phones. People on the street or public transit talking, texting, or doing whatever on their iPhones are having them stolen. I know this sounds like such an inconsequential thing, but I already have no sense of safety.
Today, I left the house and I just wanted to cry because now in addition to all my other fears I was afraid to use my friggin’ phone to call my husband or to take a picture of my daughter at the park.
I’m tired of being afraid. I feel like I’ve made so much progress, there was a time when I could not be outside without being terrified. I don’t feel that way anymore, but every once in awhile something triggers this terror that’s always underneath the surface, that has become so much a part of who I am that I don’t remember what it was like to be me without it; it’s like the Loch Ness monster of me.
I don’t want to be afraid to use my phone. I’m so angry that someone stole my sense of safety. I’m tired of telling myself to breath, I’m tired of looking for plans of escape. I just want to take my daughter to the park and take a picture of her with my damn phone and send it to my husband because I am so friggin’ proud that she is going down the big curly slide all by herself, but some stupid son of a b@tch infected me with this horrid sense of pending danger and then these other bastards come along and reinforce the fact that I am not ever safe!
ALSO READ: What Anxiety Disorder Feels Like to Me
I refuse to live in fear to the point where I am maybe even too relaxed. News in general are based on fear – robbed, shot, don't eat this, don't go there… you are going to die! We are all going to die, possibly tonight in our sleep, so just in case this is my last comment ever… I love you and good night!
I used to be pretty fearful that way myself. I had some very scary encounters with some very bad strangers as a child. It does get to a point, though, where a person realizes that living in fear is worse than the things they're afraid of happening. The things we're afraid of are moments in time, the fear is the life sentence.
I understand your fears, but you can't let them win you have to live your life no matter what.
I know, and I swear it gets worse when you become a mom, right?
I think to conquer your fear you have to pretend you don't fear anything; those people who might have the intention to mug your phone will think twice when they see a confident woman. Put on a mean face when you are in a place you think that might happen (my brother taught me this technique). Or when you take the phone out from your bag have the attitude of somebody who is ready to attack whoever comes close to them :)!
The following episode shows how I behave even when I am scared to death!
One day while on my way home from work I told off some teens making noise on the bus (I wasn’t the only one on the bus, but I was the only one who took the courage to stand up for the right to be on the bus without noise). I was in panic, terrified (because in London apparently teens are dangerous) but my confident attitude made me look fearless, although deep down I was shhh@ myself.
Don't let fear win you over; I can sense that Unknown Mami is a strong woman. Have a wonderful day and try my technique ;)!
The comments ahead of mine all say it well – basically you're living half a life if you allow fear to rule your days. I don't know if counselling would help?? But clearly you have to get a handle on this if you're to live a happy and fulfilled life.
I am so sorry you feel this fear. It is horrible, I know. There are days when just the thought of getting out of bed scares me to death. I never watch the news myself for the same reason. But I'm very stubborn and I refuse to given in to the fear. It's not real. I know it's in my mind and although the struggle is tiring it is worth it. I often used my daughter as a source to keep me going.
I wish there was a magic fix that would help you. You deserve to be carefree and happy. All I can say is that some fear is good, it keeps you safe; too much fear keeps you from living. You are a strong woman, I hope you know that!
I totally understand. It sucks. And even when you know everything's ok and your safe and there is nothing to fear, that physical feeling can catch you by surprise. I also don't watch the news or feed into the fear mongers but I don't need them to trigger the pounding in my chest. I can do that all by myself
I'm with you. It sucks. Xanax works for me when I can't ignore it.
I have days like that too. The feelings are overwhelming and make me want to curl up and just cry. Sometimes I feel very fortunate that I have kids because they force me out of that state of mind, because while I'd stay inside for myself, I go outside for them.
((hugs))
You're not alone, Mami. And you're doing a fantastic job. (You know that, right?)
It is tough, but you must rise above.
Praying for you, andrea
This sometimes seems like a terrible world, but we can't let that stop us from living life. I know, easy for me to say. I wish you well.
Everyone is fearful in many things and ways. I often don't let my fears to overcome/possess me.
And I simply know that you're such a strong woman!
Hope you have a nice day from start to finish!
BIG HUGS!
Betty xx
I just try to tell myself that life is going to happen whether or not I lock myself away so I might as while enjoy it.
Oh Mami – that is a terrible feeling. I think every woman harbors some type of fear of strangers – I mean we are easy targets are we not? NO – WE ARE NOT! We can be strong. And we can be safe. And we can stand up for ourselves – remember, YOU DID!!! And you survived. Bad things do happen to good people – but we move on and we live and we say to the bad guys out there, Not today, not me.
So you go to the park. And you take those pictures. Without fear. Because you are strong, and smart and powerful.
Oh no… I guess I shouldn't be surprised about the iPhone (I have one too)–damnit!
I never used to have fear until I had kids. Now I fear for EVERYTHING. But. I made changes in my life to ensure most of our safety. We moved out of California for one. We live in a small town community where the biggest crime to happen so far, is mailbox bashing. Gotta love it, LoL. And. We know own firearms. I know, most people aren't for guns but you know what? That sort of ownership gives me power and that is a great feeling. It of course is locked in my safe but still, it's there if I ever need it. If you were to go out and buy Mace or even a Taser, keep it away from your girls while in the house, yet in your purse whenever you go out, you would find yourself feeling much better. And if something were to happen, you would use it because you would know it wouldn't kill, whereas if it were a gun, you probably wouldn't use it. There's nothingw rong with a little bit of healthy fear to keep us all in line but I think you shoudl take measures to protect yourself and yoru girls. If not for you, for your girls.
In good news, I won't be stealing your iPhone anytime soon (I'm an old-school phone girl!) Don't let the crazies make you too panicked though – and don't worry, soon your daughter will probably be protecting you (they grow up pretty fast!)
Of course, whenever I watch too many crime shows at night it takes me extra to fall asleep. I'm pretty paranoid too 🙂
I'm sorry you're feeling afraid and I can't really relate since it's not something that I am afflicted with. I would suggest just praying a lot for God to take that fear and replace it with His peace. We are not meant to live in fear, so just take a look around you and if there isn't anyone within 10 feet…take the picture of Put Pie!
This is so awful, Mami. I'm sorry that you have had experiences that have built this fear inside of you. And it IS scary, because there are a lot of sickos in this world, you know. When I was like 6 were were robbed at knifepoint inside my home. My mom was about to be raped and probably killed and my dad by some miracle came home. We got a dog after that. Why am I telling you this story? I don't know. It's certainly not going to help your fear. But at the same time, I've come to realize that despite the crazies out there, there are a lot of nice, considerate, loving people too. Like your husband who risked himself to save another. My faith in God also helps me to feel safe and detached in ways I probably wouldn't otherwise. (I don't know what your feelings on religion are, so I won't assume anything on this front. Each person is certainly entitled to believe what they feel in their heart.) I walk forward into each day hoping for the best and I hope that you too can achieve a peace of mind despite this crazy world we live in. Big hugs, sweet Mami.
I understand what you mean. Sometimes I'm scared to watch the news knowing that all kinds of bad thoughts will creep into my mind and ruin my peace.
I understand this, I have been dealing with this for about 2yrs now, at times I cant even leave my house…Im happyu to say that with help from good friends and as you say learning to breath it has gotten better, but I have to always be on guard so not to have it set off….
try to stay strong my friend, dont let them steal your life
Oh Mami I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I think a lot of us can relate to what you're going through. Unfortunately the world is over-run by evil morons who don't care about the damage they inflict upon the earth and it's inhabitants. Us good people are always the ones who have to find ways to cope with all the crap thrown at us, and sometimes it just gets exhausting trying to be strong and brave all the time. So I totally get where you're coming from. Hang in there Mami.
PTSD sucks. *HUG*
Yeah, my friend up there got mugged for her iPhone. She's tough stuff and kicked his butt and kept her phone. He started to get away but other people saw it go down and tackled him.
You are tough stuff too. No need to be fearful!
That's one reason I don't watch the news anymore. Maybe you should read Ask and It Is Given. They talk about the art of allowing. Don't allow the thieves change the way you feel. If you are afraid of your iPhone being stolen, it might be because you might attract it. Instead, look online for some Karate moves you could use to protect yourself and make yourself feel powerful. You could carry some pepper spray or get a taser too. Here, I can carry a gun! You are in control. You have the most precious daughter in the world too. Thanks for the picture and the flower. They both made my day yesterday. We sold 360 chicks and it was a 10 hour day for me so I thank you and I hope you know how you made my day.
Hugs!!
Like many others I can totally relate. I have a few thoughts….use the phone, if it gets stolen, then invest the hour to go to the company and get a new one. Take the photos of your daughter. My other thought is that I've been helped many times over the years with issues by seeking counseling. I've met some amazing counselors who seem to have endless tools to hand out. maybe a few sessions with a counselor can help you not feel quite so afraid. Ok…so please know I lock and double lock doors and windows every night. My kids think I'm nuts that in the summer time I sleep with all windows locked. I am from Los Angeles. Do you remember the guy who was breaking into houses left and right 20 years ago??? Yes, this windows locked stems from that….so I really do understand and relate.
Oh baby, the devil will steal our joy anytime he gets a chance. I don't know your history but it sounds like fear thing is something you have battled for years. I pray that God touches you with his great compassionate hand and lifts all fear from you. I want you to freely go the the park with your precious daughter and pull out your camera to sent a pic to her daddy, I pray this happens soon for you.
Have a fear free day filled with blessings from above, sweetie!!!
What a sad state of affairs. I am sorry this crazy world has lead you to this. Although, you are not alone I'm sure you often feel that way. Just writing about it will continue a healthier outcome. Baby steps! Thank you for sharing. What ever became of the letter?
SF is still one of the safest cities.
UKMami… You know how much I've had to live with fear in my lifetime. The only advice I can give you… is to ignore them. Whatever happens to you will happen to you one way or another… if it is in the divine plan. If you're meant to be robbed, there's nothing you can do to stop it. What you can focus on is living through it. Doing whatever it takes to protect yourself and the little one. Would it help you to have a plan in mind for in case it does happen?
It makes me sad that you're going to be missing out on life, and recording memories for Put Pie because of those stupid thieves who steal cell phones out there. I wish I could just strangle them!! But in life, there has to be bad for the good to thrive. How will you even know the good stuff is GOOD unless some bad is around for comparation?
This may not be helping the panic, but I hope it is. I am speaking to you directly from experience. Don't let the panic stop you from living life. If your cell phone gets stolen, well, you can get another. The cell phone isn't what really matters… it's material… what really matters is the feeling you have (of being so proud of Put Pie for going down that swirly slide!)
I lived in panic and terror for years. I've gotten to the point now that I am really too relaxed for my own good. It drives my family crazy. It's just this feeling of… I know that whatever lesson you're supposed to be learning in life WILL happen… maybe not in the way you think it will, but it will happen whether you want it to or not. So why waste time worrying about what may NOT even happen? Preserve your energy for something that really means something. Panic is TOXIC. It gives energy and power to the wrong things.
If you listened to everything the news said… you'd not be able to live with yourself at all. If you followed everything the news said you should do, you'd lose yourself. You won't know what to do with yourself. And I know you to be a very strong spirit.
Thank you for sharing… 🙂
Oh, hell no!! Listen up, my little Mexican chili pepper. I understand what you are feeling because I use to feel the same way. I am not saying I never get scared. I am saying I REFUSE to ALLOW ANYONE to take ANYTHING from me EVER AGAIN. If I give it, ok but YOU CAN”T TAKE IT FROM ME. Sorry for yelling. You know part of my story so you know where the passion comes from. Seriously, this makes me want to fly to San Fran just to protect you. That, and to beat the crap out of anyone that would even dare make you afraid to enjoy the park with Put Pie. We Hispanics are like that. One big, ready to defend, fighting familia. Oh yeah….I'll Zapata their ass for you!!
I hear what your saying..sometimes I feel that way too..or at least I did..it comes in waves for me..but really stay away from the news and anything that has the potential to instill a new fear…I know though sometimes you cant avoid it..not to sound cheesy but maybe reading some of those books about combating your fear…changing your thoughts about it….I cant think of the name of them off hand but maybe they can give some good ideas..and its cheaper than therapy…
I understand how you are feeling but you can't let them win, you know? Go out and use your phone. Bad things are gonna happen no matter what you do so you might as well enjoy yourself.
I know what you mean. I have recently begun to watch my back when I use my iPhone because common sense tells me that people are desperate to have these things & can take them away in an instant. But I try to not let fear ruin my life. I don't even watch the news much anymore for that reason. I just watch my back at all times & knowing a little kickboxing helps (maybe just in my head, but it can't hurt).
Macey's right, it definitely gets worse when you become a parent. It's like all of your fears go squared…they set forth and multiply. I'm working constantly on quelling the monsters also. Sometimes, I can even forget there are any.
I know what you are saying. I am the same way and wish that I could change that about me as well. I am working on it and hoping one day I will be free from it.
PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. This forum would not be the place to figure out your problem but have you ever checked out the PTSD possibility?
Although this post was not – you are a very funny person and I look forward to some more funny stuff from you.
all the best.
Oh yeah, I have it. I have tools, I have help. Just every once in awhile it comes to the forefront.
Oh. This made me so sad for you…
I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, but I know there isn't. I tend to be a somewhat fearful person myself. Definitely stay far away from the damn news, it's enough to turn us all into total agoraphobics!
A while ago I made a decision I wasn't going to let the cruelty of others stop me from enjoying my life. As soon as I let that happen, they have won. I don't deliberatly put myself in danger but I don't hide away from it. I'm fortunate that I live in a part of the world where the risks are few and I hope my community can manage to stay that way.
I must say I totally relate! =(((
I can totally relate to you =(((
It's terrible when our sense of safety is rattled by the selfishness of others. My iPhone is in my hand almost non-stop and I can't imagine that making me a target of crime. I know this, however, you do know what you're made of and you do know what your man is made of, s when that panic starts to sneak up, remind ourself how amazingly strong you are and that you will be okay.
It's funny. Most of my life I have been a wimp. I avoid conflict like it's a disease but since I have become a mom, there is a ferocious streak inside of me. And you are so much stronger than I so as I said, I know that you will be alright!
I wish there were an easy answer for you. Our world frequently sucks. But at the same time, bending to it and hiding from it only gives it that much more power. Something bad may happen, but I prefer to focus on the joy that it brings to take those pictures and do that bragging. I just hope it gets better someday.
Sorry you aren't feeling safe- that's a crappy, crappy feeling. I would say good luck with your fear, but I know when fear gets to that stage it takes more than luck. So stay safe.
Come on Unknown Mami you don't have to be afraid. You actually have experienced so much more than anyone I know:) Pull from that experience and know that if some B@tch @ss comes up to you with some crap like wanting your phone you take you big purse and bash him over the head with it and them beat him with your phone:)
xoxox
Ms. Wanda
I refuse to let anyone take my freedom. Take back your life and live it. You can't let them scare you into not living. 😀
): Oh, no! I hope you are able to conquer this soon! ((hugs))
That sucks. I'm sorry you have that to battle. PTSD sucks.
I think you should take a class that teaches how to throw your iphone right between someone's eyes to knock them out. heehee
I think I should invent a taser app.
Oh, man! That's BRILLIANT! I
When I was a kid I was afraid of everything. I used to lay in bed trembling in fear because I thought someone was breaking into the house. Night after night I'd wake up and be terrified. One day, years after this started, there really was someone there and my Dad chased the guy away because instead of being paralyzed I ran to my parents room and woke them up. No 911 in those days. I think that was one of the last days that I was afraid like that. I have a healthy regard for my safety, that's for sure, but I do my best not to let it get the best of me.
My husband has the new on from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed. I am now numb from it – they can't scare me – but then again, I don't have a child. My outlook on life may be different if that was the case.
Oh my dear I haven't had the terror so direct but my last 3 places I've lived have been robbed and that since of your safety being taken away still haunts me. I'm right there with you sometimes the things around us are just too overwhelming and scary. Hugs SWEETIE!
I can't get over stealing phones, wow people!
Thank you for your kind comments.
What is your url?
Visit me at: http://www.unknownmami.com.
Mami, I feel for you! I do! I get so worried about everything and I don't even have this burden. I hope that you can safe soon.
I heard that story about DC where I live and I thought the same thing. It's sad that we have to constantly be looking over our shoulders and assuming that something bad is going to happen. I hate living like that.
I am so sorry that you had to experience that and now you cannot un-experience it and not be able to feel not afraid any more. I would have been so upset at the person who robbed me of that kind of peace of mind. I am sorry. {{{{hugs}}}}