What Anxiety Disorder Feels Like to Me

I have generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder, which means that I am one of the many many people who struggle with mental illness. “Metal illness.” Say that out loud and see how you feel about it.

It’s not really the kind of label you want to brag about, “Hi, my name is Claudya and I’m mentally ill” isn’t the way I would introduce myself to anyone because way to stigmatize myself, no?

It sucks that admitting to having mental health issues puts you in some kind of category that makes people wary because there are a lot of us out there and you would never even think that we have issues unless we tell you and sometimes we don’t want to tell you because then we can’t untell you and it might make you think less of us.

Here’s the thing, I have anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder and I still manage to be smart (if I do say so myself), dependable, funny, productive, empathetic, a great employee, driven and so many more things.

Sometimes my particular mental issues work as a benefit, they make me stay focused and take care of myself, they make me weed out the things in life that do me harm, but still mental illness is not something to brag about is it?

ALSO READ: I Had a Panic Attack on My Way to See Cantiflas

The truth is that I’d rather not have these issues. I would give them away in an instant—or more like throw them away because nobody would want this kind of gift—if I could, but I can’t. Instead I slowly work my way to a better place. I try to be kind and understanding of myself and remind myself that I am this way for a reason. My mind developed these ways of protecting me when I wasn’t safe and these things served me well for a time, they kept me safe and alive, but now they don’t serve me in the same way. The good thing is that I am not my fear and I am not my thoughts. I can acknowledge my fear and my thoughts and I can also dismiss them. It’s not easy, but it’s doable.

I started writing this post because I wanted you to know what it feels like to live with generalized anxiety for me. Why? Because maybe you don’t know what it feels like and maybe telling you what I go though will help you understand the issues that someone like me has on a daily basis. Or maybe you do know what it feels like, maybe you know exactly what it feels like and I want you to know that you are not alone and that I understand.

I guess I should tell you I’m medicated. I used to deal with my anxiety without medication until I couldn’t and now I am medicated. My medication doesn’t make me feel medicated, it actually makes me feel “normal” whatever that means. As in I can go about my business most days and handle things that come my way, but there are still days that when for no apparent reason I feel like I am nothing but raw nerves and the world I live in is a cheese grater that I have to go through. Telling me I’m too sensitive or to calm down doesn’t do a damn thing. Breathing helps. Sometimes one breath at a time is the only way to make it through and I become so grateful that oxygen is free (at least for now).

The worst is when I am having a raw nerves against cheese grater moment and I am in a place where I can’t tell anyone what I am going through because I can’t just walk up to a stranger and say, “Hey, I’m freaking out! Can you just tell me I’m going to be okay and that it’s going to pass?” I mean I could walk up to a stranger and say that, but that’s a whole lot to put on a stranger so instead I breath and talk myself through it and remind myself that it does always pass, that it is temporary. And then it passes. It leaves me worn out and tired sometimes for days, but it passes.

And that, my friends, is what it’s like for me for now. It used to be worse, but with medication and therapy it’s getting better and I believe that it will continue to get better because I want it to.