Baby Weight?

My Mother is coming to visit for Mother’s Day and I should be thrilled, especially since it was my idea and I bought her the ticket, but truly I’m terrified. Why? Because I’m fat. It’s true. For the first time in my life I am officially overweight. I’ve been heavier than I would like to be before, but I was always in the realm of what is considered a healthy weight for my height. Not anymore, according to my BMI, I am overweight. http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ I know it’s a crude tool that doesn’t take age and muscle into consideration, but it’s not like I’m even on the “light” side of overweight. I’m smack in the middle.

I could say it’s baby weight, but it’s not. After the baby was born, I lost 20lbs within 3 weeks. That weight is no longer lost; it’s found it’s way back. Fine, I can exercise and eat better, but I can’t lose all this weight before Mother’s Day.

I just can’t stand the thought of my mother commenting on my weight. When I was pregnant she said she hoped I didn’t end up “gorda*” afterwards. My mother has had a lifelong preoccupation with weight. I’ve had more conversations with her about her weight than anything else. I hate it. I find it dull and uninspiring. There have been times when we’re having what I consider to be a “real” conversation and she blurts out, ” Me veo gorda?**”

Finally, I told her that I did not want to talk about her weight, that I thought it was boring, that she spends too much time obsessing about it and that it makes her too critical of others. She’s been better about it, but that doesn’t mean that my weight is off limits. When she saw me during pregnancy she said, “Gracias a Dios que el embarazo no te dejo deforme.***” My pregnancy was difficult, the last thing I needed to worry about was my weight gain.

Yes, I want to lose this weight, but I want to lose it for me, not because my mother is coming. I’m feeling so much pressure and I can’t believe that the thought of hearing her call me fat makes me burst into tears. Seriously, I turn into a sobbing child; her sobbing child. Why is my body not off limits?

I do not want to burden my daughter with this legacy. I want her to feel beautiful, healthy and proud of what her body can accomplish. I never want her to feel ashamed and I never want her to feel judged (especially not by me). I don’t want her to dread seeing me because she’s afraid I’ll call her fat.

My body is amazing, it’s strong and durable, it provided a safe home for my gorgeous child, and it brings me joy and pleasure. I guess that’s what I’ll say to my mother when she tells me I’m fat.

*fat
**Do I look fat?
***Thank God the pregnancy hasn’t left you deformed.