After receiving horrible news on Monday, this has become the longest week of my life.
This coming Monday I will be going back for another sonogram to see if my baby has developed any kidneys.
I will be seeing the same specialist that I saw last Monday. Apparently, he is a big deal and very experienced and well-regarded.
Hopefully, I’ll go in and the baby will be surrounded in an abundance of amniotic fluid and kidneys will be clearly visible.
When I went in for the initial sonogram and the specialist was called in, he spent quite a bit of time with me and let me know that he is very concerned, but that he could not give me a definitive answer at that time.
I want to be hopeful, but I’m so scared.
My mother has been visiting. She was supposed to leave the Tuesday after I had my sonogram. I came home and asked her to stay. She changed her flight and is staying another two weeks. We don’t always have the easiest of relationships, but even before I asked her I knew she would stay. She’s held me, let me cry, and cried with me.
I try not to cry in front of Put Pie, but she has caught me a couple of times and she comes running toward me and showers me with kisses while saying, “No Mama, no.”
The outpouring of support that I have received in real life, on this blog, on Facebook, and on Twitter has been humbling and unbelievably heartwarming. You may not think that your kind words can mean much during such a difficult time, but let me tell you that they have been a lifeline to me.
Sometimes in real life people have a hard time dealing with grief or emotional pain, they feel awkward and uncomfortable when in the presence of someone suffering. Perhaps it is easier to express ourselves virtually. This blog has provided me with a space where I do not have to pretend to be okay. Thank you.
I have been posting, but I have not been visiting. I’m sorry. I will visit as soon as I work through this. Somehow I know you understand.
After living with this for a few days, I’ve come to the realization that I will get through it no matter what the outcome. There is no other option. I will find strength.
I was driving home alone after a doctor’s appointment and the radio played a song just for me. I’ve heard this song so many times before, but I never really listened. This time I listened and I found comfort…
Let it Be ( The Beatles)
When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.Let it be, let it be, …..
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.Let it be, let it be, …..
Thank you for reading. I am grateful.
my heart is with you, I even told my husband what you were going through 🙁 we are both praying for you and your baby! when we are in pain, we reach for HOPE….we all need some in the darkest hours of our lives.
oh wow, I like that song. I love it when people type out the words.
I know what you mean by the virtual thing. You know I’ve been going through that with Michael, although I know it is not the same situation. And yes, I do know how words of support, compassion, prayers really do help when other people think it probably doesn’t. It really does.
Be strong, Mami. Yes, this is very hard. We’re all behind you, all the way. Love you!
My prayers are with you!
How wonderful that your mom can be such a great support to you right now. It’s so nice just to have someone there!
I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and I hope you get good news!
I have been thinking all week about you. I rarely discuss blogging with my husband but I too told him your story and we talked about it knowing from our own experiences just a little of what you are going through right now. I will not be here Monday as I am going away for a week where the internet is not on tap but know that I will be thinking about you still and wishing you well.
Stay strong, Mami. Here in the Blogosphere and at arms reach, you have trememdous support. We are here for you regardless of the outcome.
Soooo many of your words resonated with me. I understand many of them on a deeper level.
I will be thinking of you.
I’m sorry you are living in fear right now.
I’m pleased that your Mum is there to hold you at this extremely difficult time and that little Put Pie, although not knowing what is going on, is showering you with kisses too. It’s at times like this that we most need the love and cuddles that families provide.
Your Mum must be terribly worried about you so please know that our collective love, out here in the ethers, is being sent to your *whole* family.
Hoping, wishing and praying for a happy outcome on Monday. x
A blog is a powerful thing isn’t it? I’m glad you are posting. I am listening. With my heart, my prayers and my love.
That’s a great song. Sometimes life sucks, it’s true. It kicks you to your knees and slaps you just for good measure. Hoping for Monday for you.
It’s good that your mother is there for you. That song offers powerful words for an uncertain time. You all remain in my thoughts.
You and the baby will be in my thoughts xx
So glad your mom is able to stay and be there to support you… this has to be a very long week for you and your family… still thinking of you and hoping for the best outcomes!
You are definitely surrounded with people who care. And just being yourself is all we call can be. Having your mom there can be a help with Put Pie and also give you some time for you as well as having your mom hug you and hold you when you feel like it too.
Just letting you know I am here….
You are stronger than you think you are. You are stronger than you think you are because you are not alone. This probably feels like hell and I can’t imagine your fear, but I want you to know that whatever the news….you are not alone.
Hugs,
Tina
Yes, we can let be and be okay. Gosh, it isn’t easy when feeling scared. I’m glad your mom is with you for support and you receive lots of kisses from Put Pie.
Lots and lots of hugs and support. Prayers for you, the baby and your family!
You now I’m praying for you, friend! (And, have been all week.) XOXO!!
I’m sorry I hadn’t been visiting much in the last few weeks and had no idea what you were going through. Prayers, positive thoughts, good vibes, all sent out for you and your little one. I am so glad your mother stayed to be with you. At difficult times, regardless of the relationship, a mother is what we need, one who truly understands and loves us. My heart is with you. Glad you heard that song. Sometimes, words in song come at a time we most need them and that is when we hear it in a whole new light. Hugs.
Wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you! All my prayers
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’ll be in my prayers.
Mami..you are right. No matter what comes next week, you will survive and you will keep going. Put pie needs you and adoring her as you do, you will be there for her. I didn’t think I would survive when “my girl” didn’t make it past 5 months. Even after the doctors showed me proof….I still felt her moving, and did for a long time after. Sometimes these things have no reason and no matter how much you want answers, the questions can’t be answered.
IF things do not turn out well, know that you are strong and after you allow yourself time to grieve, life will continue. Please try not to stress yourself out too much over the weekend. You really don’t know anything for certain yet, and I personally know (me included) women that have been sent home to worry about things that never came to fruition. There is a lot of ass covering in medicine.
You are amazing. You are brave and real and honest and decent and caring and transparent and so many other good things I simply can’t go on. Our entire family loves your entire family and we are all praying for all of you.
Please Lord…….
{{{Hugs}}}
You know that I am praying very hard for your precious baby. My thoughts are with you each moment everyday and I am here for you. ((HUGS))
One of my favorite songs. That you found comfort in music makes me glad. Also, thanks for updating us on the family support. That is also wonderful to know. Please take care and keep the music turned on.
My heart aches for you right now, I will continue to pray for good news. Be strong and have faith, ((hugs)) to you my friend.
Prayers, Hugs and Honks continuously being sent in your family’s direction wishing all nothing but the best.
I have to let you know that I’m that kind of person that would cry if seeing you cry… but your words where from the soul and the heart and I cried!! I would give you a big hug if I could.. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I even told my husband about your terrible news.. so with all this I just wanted to let you know that even though you don’t see me and I don’t see you I care about you and you’re in my prayers.. I don’t know if you’re a catholic.. I am, and I really found strenght in my God and my Saints and an aunt of mine gave an “estapita” of San Gerardo Mayela while pregnant, he is protector of the poor, the babies and the expectant mothers.. and I’m praying to him to protect you both! God Bless you!
Yes. You don’t have to pretend you are ok. And when we rush to comfort you, you don’t have to turn around and comfort us for comforting you. Sometimes the Internet can be a blessing, and this is one of those times. I will be thinking of you. I am so glad your mom is staying with you. {{{hugs}}}
Continuing to think and pray for you and your family. I’m glad your mother is staying with you for support.
There isn’t anything I can do here. But I can let you know you are on my mind and in my prayers. In fact, I was behind a car today with the license plate MAMII. I immediately thought of you.
That IS a beautiful song…I haven’t heard it in ages.
Still thinking and praying for you, friend.
I feel bad that I didn’t get over here earlier in the week, but please know that my prayers are in full force, to make up for being tardy. I’m so glad your mom is staying longer and that it wasn’t a question. That’s wonderful.
Still praying and sending out positive thoughts and hugs your way. ((((Hugs))))
Best of luck on Monday. I can see how this could be a horrific week for you. Praying for good news.
I love Let It Be. I always happen to hear it when I’m having a tough time, too. It is so sweet of your little girl to try and take care of you. I understand not crying in front of her as you wouldn’t want her to become your caretaker. She obviously loves you a lot. I’m glad your mom could stay. That should help. I’m still hoping that this next ultrasound will bring good news.
Sending love your way. Thank you for sharing with such honesty and courage. You are not alone, sweetest Mami. ~k
Thank you my beautiful friend.
I know that we’re not your first priority but let us know, we’re all praying and sending good thoughts.
Mami, There are no words just prayers and hugs being sent your way.
xoxoxoxox jj
Hon, I am so sorry. I haven’t visited in a while and was shocked and saddened to read your post,,,my heart goes out to you and your lovely family and, although this may sound pointless, you know that I mean it; if there is anything you need, anything I can do from over here, please just let me know; it’ll be done. ((hugs)) xx
I just heard (via @mamabytes on Twitter)… oh, child, my heart aches so much for you. Jesus is the great comforter and He will see you through all of this. I have you on my prayer list (yes, I do!) and will be sending up many requests to the Lord on your behalf. Yes, it is a blessing to have all sorts of communities in our lives… including the extended family we have here in cyberspace. 🙂 God love you, child. ♥
Your virtual world and real life world love you and we are all hoping for the best news on Monday.
You and your family continue in my thoughts and prayers. Do what you can to take care of yourself.
Loved your logo and popped over and then read your post …
My heart goes out to you, have faith.
We will bless you in our prayers today.
Much love
Nicole xxx
It is so difficult to keep a positive mindset when going through something like this however it does help. You are in my thoughts and prayers and remember if you need anything, I’m here.
I read about your situation on Marla Hansen’s blog. Although I don’t know you, I am truly sorry. I, too, am hoping that this next visit will show that your baby is okay. Whatever the outcome, you are in my prayers. We are all stronger than we think we are, and you can get through this somehow if it is bad news. Let it be.
I appreciate your kind words.
Thank you for your kind comment. Normally, my posts are much more humorous, but life got in the way of humor.
I’ll be by to visit as soon as I get back on my feet.
I’m so glad that you have your mother with you.
You know how much I believe in the power of music. Let the message of the words give you peace. And please know that there is an enormous community out here embracing you with love, prayer, and support. God bless.
Amiga, You & your family continue to be in my mind and prayers. We have faith and hope for you & your precious unborn.
I’ve been thinking about you and telling others ever since I heard. We are all pulling for your family. Wishing you continued strength. I know how hard it is to try to keep it all together in front of your child too.
I’ve just popped over from Joanna’s blog. When we had a really terrible time in our family, it seemed that the whole of our small city was reaching out and enveloping us with love. The feeling was almost tangible. I want to send some of that warmth to you. Much love.
Thank you so much for your kindness.
I’m here via Joanna to wish you the very best of best wishes for a healthy baby and strength to deal with whatever the news may be.
take care
be well
thinking of you
Robyn
I read about this over at Joanna’s blog and immediately stopped, quieted my brain and said a prayer for you, your baby and your doctors. The Lord will keep you all in His hands tomorrow (Monday).
I’m here from The Fifty Factor. I’m sorry you are going through this and will be praying for you.
You have a beautiful blog here and apart from my reason in visiting, I am truly honoured to have found you. My prayers, thoughts and heart is with you. Take care.
CJ xx
Try visualisation. Imagine God’s pure white light surrounding your baby and making everything well. I do so hope all will be O.K. and my heart (and prayers) go out to you. I will try very hard to send healing to your dear baby.
Our thoughts will be with you tomorrow. Lorraine xxx
I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be finding the strength to deal with this. I really, really hope everything goes well for you.
Just wanted to say I hope things all turn out well for you. Sending you huge hugs and will be thinking of you and your baby. I’m pleased you have been able to share your feelings here, it’s so good to have an outlet and be able to say things you can’t say out loud x
I am so sorry to hear this and I join in with all the others, sending my prayers, best wishes and love. You know I am an RN, live nearby in Daly City, and am available to you, at any time ( I’m retired – or as you may know, my job, as a forensic nurse for the city – 21 years – ended in massive budget cuts 18 months ago ).
Found you via Joanna…am so sorry that you are going through this…know that you are in my thoughts and prayers…..oxox
Thank you so much for your kindness.
I’ll be thinking of you on Monday! My prayers are with your baby and you.
Love ya!
(((hugs)))
B xx
Hi. I found you through Jeanie of Living Consciously. I am so sorry for everything you and your family are going through. I am a firm believer in love and life and faith, and It seems your lil one has alot comming his way from all the support. This is the time to believe that it will be ok, your baby needs it. Trust me when I say that the mother’s bond to heal is strong. My mother had 2 still births and a miscarriage before i was conceived and I was her only hope at normalcy at the time. The docs said that I was too tiny,didn’t look like I was developing properly, and might not survive and Mom would not let that thought in her head. She believed I was ok. And on exactly the given due date I forced my way into this world tiny, but completely healthy. I believe her faith and love kept me safe.
This community is here with you believing in a healthy baby for you with kidneys and amniotic fluid and spunk!
My thoughts will be with you Monday. ((hugs))
Oh I have been bad about visiting, too, and I had no idea! I will be praying that your sonogram tomorrow shows good news. My heart breaks for how difficult this must be for you. *hugs* to you!
I am so sorry. You are in my thoughts & prayers during this difficult time.
I am praying for you and your baby.
And I’m glad you are being cared for by a big deal doctor. God bless and take care.
Oh, honey. You have our prayers and support.
Sent here by Joanna at Fifty Factor. I’m so sorry you’re going though this very difficult time. I’m sending my best thoughts to you and your family. Wishing you much strength.
Thank you, my friend.
I am here because Joanna is so concerned and as a friend of hers, her concerns are mine. As A Reiki Master Teacher, I send you Reiki and hope. Inspiration and calm. Fear is toxic…and while it must be terribly hard, trust in Spirit to guide you through this episode. Namaste.
Oh, Unknown Mami, my hugs to you.
Amiga, I was halfway through my third pregnancy. I had four you know. So there I was, aged 37, getting the ultrasound. And the doctor says ‘Ma’am, your amniotic fluid is inadequate. This is very dangerous.’ I nearly lost my mind. I cried all the way home (I went home by cycle rickshaw that day – horrible!). I’d been taking medication for a tooth infection. The dentist was a neighbour living a few lanes away with a home clinic. When I got home I ran around there. The dentist was away at his college where he’s a professor. His mom answered the door. I poured out my heart to her. She said “my son couldSn’t have given you medication dangerous for your pregnancy. He checked with me before he prescribed. I’m a gyneacologist.” She brought me inside, made me lie down, took out her stethoscope and gave me a thorough examination. And you know what she said? She said “your baby is fine, your amniotic fluid is adequate.” And she told me that without a freaking ultrasound machine! I later discovered that she was a retired professor of gynaecology. So Amiga, remember, technology isn’t everything. In God’s name, go for a second opinion and a third if necessary. You know what they say about doctor’s differing!
I was at Mass yesterday (Sunday), praying hard for you. I’ll be praying for you today too. All the best!
Oh, and btw my baby was fine, thank the Lord. She’s a beautiful nine year old girl now!
praying for you Mami!! that everything is ok with your little baby!!! Love and hugs to you!
All the best for the scan … I hope all turns out well for your baby.
I am thinking about you.
I hope that you and the little baby will be OK. Be strong!
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your baby.
I’ll add my best wishes to the pile.
Thank you for your kindness.
Visit me at: http://www.unknownmami.com.
sending cyber hugs and prayers.
Sending you comforting {{hugs}}. You’ve been on mind this week. I hope the specialist has great news of relief for you today. “Let it be” but hopefully “Let it be that they were initially wrong”.
As for the comments, Ay Mami!! Forget about that- I can’t imagine anyone not understanding.
I’ve found my way here through Joanna’s blog (fifty factor) and just wanted to send you love and good thoughts. Hope all goes well tomorrow.
I’m so very very sorry to hear this. I’m sending you positive thoughts.
Here via Joanna. I am so, so sorry. Holding you in my heart as you travel though this and wishing you peace.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Things are starting to look more hopeful.
I am so grateful for everyone’s support and kindness.