Do you remember the first time you fell in love? I’m not talking about romantic love, I’m talking about falling in love with someone you meet just because of who they are and what they make you feel.
The first time I remember falling in love is when I was 8 years old and my brother was born. Sure I knew what love was. I loved my mother, but I didn’t remember falling in love with her, it was just a given. When I first laid eyes on the chubby bundle of wonder that was my brother, I fell hard.
My brother holds a special place in my heart that is reserved just for him. No one else can touch that spot. I wouldn’t be me if it weren’t for him coming into my life and loving me back.
I don’t write about my brother often because it hurts too much. You see at some point that beautiful little boy grew up and developed an addiction to drugs. This addiction to drugs gets in the way of everything and there is nothing that I can do to make it go away, it’s up to him.
At some point, I had to come to terms with the fact that he would end up in jail or dead or both. He did end up in jail (twice) and I saw him close to death.
I was as involved as I could be until I just couldn’t be. I told him that he was welcome in my life when he was sober and if he was using I didn’t want anything to do with him. One year on Thanksgiving I called my mother’s house to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. My brother was there and asked to talk to me. I said no and I heard the whimpering sound of a wounded animal coming out of him. I felt wounded myself.
Life went on for the both of us and he went from worse to better. He cleaned up, got a job, got married, and had a son. It was so nice to look into his eyes again and see the person I fell in love with, not the cagey, lying addict I’d come to expect.
In my dreams he is always a little boy. Always. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream about him as a man. The other night I dreamt he was enrolled in a school called, “School for Problem Children”. In the dream, I yelled at my mother for enrolling him in a school with such a horrid name. The next morning I woke up and called my mother just to talk. It turns out my brother had a relapse and is not doing well.
No matter how I try to distance myself, that place in my heart that is reserved only for him will not let me. I love my brother. I hate his fucking addiction. I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster. I’m sick of what it does to him and everyone that cares about him. I want to make myself hard as a rock, but the tears that stream down my face have carved canyons of despair.
So I sit and cry. I hope for the best and brace myself for the worst and through it all, I love my brother.
ALSO READ: My Brother Is a Drug Addict
Hey, nena…loving him is the best you can for him, even at a distance. I know what it is like to love an addict. So hard. In my prayers for the addict in my life, I work on sending light and sending my love.
Loved this beautiful post.
Much goodness for you — and your family — in 2011.
Just to love him, even from afar… is the best you can do for him. I am so sorry he had a relapse, that must be horrible for him as well. To be stuck in that cycle again. And everyone who loves him goes with him, regardless of their intentions.
It will always be hard. Just keep on loving him, that is who you are inside.
Lots of love to you and your family. Hang in there!
My prayers are with your brother I hope he finds his way back.((Hugs)) to you and the pain it causes your heart.
Addiction is soul sucking. I’m so sorry you have to live with seeing what your brother goes though. I hope that one day he can get on top of it. Hugs to you.
Ouch. That has to be rough… I was once in love with a person who had an addiction, although he was not my brother. You are a very strong woman, clearly. You have to be strong to love a person with an addiction. For me it was easier though, because he was not my brother, he was just a guy… Wafting healing energy towards your brother and more strength towards you.
I felt your pain all the way through this post. It must be so painful to watch someone you love so much struggle with such a horrible vice.
THis sentence was insanely gripping “I want to make myself hard as a rock, but the tears that stream down my face have carved canyons of despair.”
I’m sure he still feels your love, even if it is from a distance from his addiction.
I am so sorry about this. I love my brother too, we don’t talk anymore, so I miss him, but I love him even so….he was also addicted to drugs when we were kids and then he turned it into other things. it is very sad and breaks my heart, so I am sending you big hugs 🙂
I understand your pain. I had an uncle very similar to that but he was never able to stop even long enough to find some joy. You cannot stop loving them, therefore you cannot stop feeling pain and sorrow. You both are in my prayers. It’s so very hard.
I hope his mind clears enough to feel some of your wonderful love. All the best to you and your family.
That’s a beautiful piece, UM. I admire your faithful love, for your brother. I cannot say the same for my (older) brother. Of course, everyone’s families and experiences are different, but I’d say that the best thing to do, is what all of the ‘experts’ say to do… do what’s right for you, and you alone (when it comes to dealing w/a family member who’s an addict). Sounds like you’ve got a firm grasp on that. I wish you (and your bro) the best of luck and send you planny aloha during this difficult time.
I can’t even fathom how hard this is for you and your family. I wish you guys strength and courage.
I am so sorry for your families struggle. Addiction affects every person in the adicts life whether they want it to or not. All you can do is love him and protect yourself and your family, and be there for his son. Sending you love and strength.
He knows you love him.
He also knows what he needs to do to be a part of your life.
As much as we want to change them…we cannot. He has been down this road before, so there is a part of him that knows he can change it.
You mentioned he married and had a son…..if they are still in his life, the only thing you can do is be there for them (and they for you) until your brother sees that he needs to get straight.
Addictions are so horrendous. For those who never experienced the fallout (personally or family) it is hard for them to understand how a person can choose the addiction over family.
Is an intervention from family out of the question?
He asked for help this time. Hopefully, that’s a good sign.
Wow! My heart goes out to you. Drug addiction is such a horrible problem. I hope he one day is able to leave it behind him for good.
What a wonderful post. I hope he is able to get things back under control. Drugs are such a stinky thing…they ruin so many wonderful lives. {{hugs}}
Aw, friend. 🙁 Beautifully written, but sad. I hope he can find his way back.
Thank you for sharing this. This morniing I was thinking about my brother too who I love like you love yours. Then I read this post and well you know how that goes. He is also an addict- meth and alcohol. It’s a horrible addiction. I get sooo sad everytime I think about how his life will end and how he never got to fully become a man because of his addiction. I love him so much and I hate DRUGS! It hurts that’s all.
Today, I was thinking the same thing about my brother never really getting to become a man. His addiction started at such a young age that it arrested his development.
I’m sorry that you understand how much it hurts. Hugs.
I don’t know what I can say to make this easier for you but I can offer you some hugs. I hope this is just a small hitch in his recovery and he is back on track again soon x x x
So I am here, crying, hugging you via this stupid internet. I was the youngest, so I never had that feeling you describe. But 19 years ago I looked into a precious little baby boys eyes and fell in love, unfortunately he too took a path like your brothers, and for the well being of my others I had to learn to shut down the link to the insanity and constant upheaval he brought with him. I can not describe my pain, I can not describe what it feels like as a mother to make those calls. I wish for him all the best, I wish he had a stronger mom, I wish he could make better decisions. But your words today are the closest thing to what I could describe. xo ya. PEACH OUT
Your love for your brother comes through in every word of this post, and so does your sadness. Take care of yourself first, Mami, and you will be there for him when he is ready and able.
Kinda like God huh…love the sinner…hate the sin. It’s so very difficult with family members who you love but seem to drag ya down and sweetie ya sure don’t need that right now.
My prayers are with both you and your brother. I do believe in miracles! :o)
God bless and have a most extraordinary weekend girl!
This is just so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you’re going through this, and I admire your strength. I watch Intervention a lot and it just breaks my heart, addiction is a horrible thing and it’s one of my biggest fears for my children.
I am saying a prayer for you & your brother. xoxo
What a sad but beautiful post.
I’m glad how you put boundaries for your brother even if it breaks your heart. But you’re so right. You have to protect your family and yourself.
Take care…
This post rips my heart in half. It brings me to tears. I hurt for you. I have a friend who is going through this, but it’s her son. We love those we love, it’s the addictions we abhor. I pray your brother will find the strength to pull himself out. I know a virtual hug doesn’t help you, but my heart goes out to your pain, so I send hugs and prayers your way. The most important thing you can do is continue to love him for who you know him to be beneath the darkness.
I wish there were words that could help but we all know what would help you the most. Some people find Nar-anon helpful. You may find solace in others who also love addicts and struggle with tough love. It may be worth just checking out if you never have. Good Luck
My heart goes out you. {Hugs} You are doing what is best by loving your brother from afar. I hope he will be able to fight his relapse and come back clean. So sorry.
Heart breaking. You are living what I fear most.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You have to do what you are doing though. That’s how you will manage to get through it.
Hang in there!
I hate this for you and him. I have the same type of siblings and I am just waiting to bury them. Kind of sad. Prayers for you guys.
I am so so sorry.
That love that you have for him, he knows about it. It makes a difference.
I read an interesting study about drug addiction, basically it boiled down to this, once you start using drugs, you stall your maturing. When you get clean, you have to start all the way back where you left off. In that way, maybe he still isn’t an adult.
I will pray for him and you tonight.
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve read in quite a while. Saying a prayer for him now…
I am so sorry. I am praying right now for him. I have lived both sides of addiction so I not only feel your pain but feel the guilt for all the pain I put my own loved ones through. ((((Unknown Mami))))
Your connection is touching and the fact your dream gave you an inkling of what was going on is fascinating. I so hope he pulls through this stumble, and let’s just hope that’s what it is…just a stumble, not a fall.
I am thinking of you. This must be hard.
I’m so sorry of the heartache you’ve endured. I hope that he can overcome this relapse, and get to the place he needs to be.
I’m sending hugs and prayers your way!
This really touched me. In my late teens early 20’s I struggled with some vices. I lived L.A. life hard and fast. It took a decade to recover from living wild. I had to go Underground to find my Soul. Thank god I found it. Damaged and Bruised but with a pulse. Your Brother will be in my prayers.
p.s. the people that left me while I was crashing down my old world are the people that surround me now. Those are the ones I treasure.
Oh Mami, I hope this pain pass soon. I hope God will touch your brother again and make him come back to life.
Hugs!
I’m trying to think of something to write and all I can think of is, “I get this and thank you.” Addiction hurts. Love heals. – G
I am so sorry about his relapse and your broken heart. You can’t help him, he does have to help himself. Keeping you and him in my prayers. ((HUGS))
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I think that took a lot of courage to write. You can give him love, hope, and patience, but I think it will take strength and will-power on his part to quit for good. Best to you and your family!
My heart just broke for you Mami. I’ll say an extra prayer for your brother.
xo jj
You have been doing everything you can to keep the drug addiction of your brother to have an opening in your life. Allowing the lies and deceit of your brother to affect you or your family would be so unhealthy for you. I know it is difficult beyond words to explain it to love someone who is addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. Why drugs are part of life and available to those who want it is a mystery to me. How drugs got to the exalted place on this planet is a sad testimony to the weakness of all of us. If your brother chooses drugs over his own health and over his own wife and family, it is his choice. He cannot drag the rest of you down with him unless you allow it to happen. I know this is so darn sad for you. Stay healthy and strong and know there are so many of us out there just like you. Hugs.
Ohhhh ick yuck bleh. I absolutely understand what you mean and am beyond grateful that the few addictions I feared didn’t come to fruitition. It’s so so hard but your brother can only do it for himself, and that bit of your heart is going to keep breaking for awhile. My thoughts and prayers are with you – and with him.
I’m so sorry. Powerlessness is such a bitch; I hate it.
I am touched by your article. I have a young sister. This article makes me think of her. I have seen her for a long time. God Bless
JK
http://www.serenitylivingstores.com
You’re only human…and a really thoughtful one.
God bless you Mami and your brother too. This is a beautiful post written from your heart. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I love my daughter the same way.
Wow…I’ve not been by your blog in several months and I have tears in my eyes reading this post. I’m back to blogging and I’m wanting to catch up with those I used to visit regularly. Somewhere….he knows you love him. Many people have lived in the shoes you speak of and it’s a tough place to be. Sending you many positive thoughts as you continue to offer your love to him.
Thank you for your kindness.
Wishing you a very Happy New Year!
I’m so sorry… sounds like loving him is all you can do. Sucks. ((hugs))
My mother was lost in a world of alcohol and whatever pills she could smooth talk her various doctors into giving her. I understand how the addiction can seem more important than life itself for someone caught up in that world.
Wish I could reach over and give you a hug. I know it doesn’t feel like enough, but you’re doing all you can. The love you feel for him is pure gold and I’m sure he knows that when his head is clear. It’s just so hard for an addict to stay clear.