Dear Hollywood,
Hi, how are you? Busy I’m sure making all kinds of entertainment for the likes me. Now I don’t want this to come off as me being ungrateful and all, but I thought I would just let you know where I stand on some of the entertainment you provide for me.
You see, I am the mami of two very young kids and my time is very limited. When I get a chance to watch something I am excited and also feel like I am racing against the clock because one of my kids will surely wake up or need me at any moment. I simply do not have time to waste on crap unless it is my children’s and I am either cleaning it off of them or myself. That is why I am kindly asking you to keep the crap you produce at a minimum.
Here is a short list of things you never need to include in any program or movie that is created for my viewing enjoyment. Keep in mind this is not a complete list, but perhaps it will give you an idea of clichés that are so tired it is embarrassing. Really, I hate it when I have to feel embarrassed for you.
So here goes, I never need to see…
- A movie that ends with a Hollywood kiss while the camera spins around the couple and a crowd surrounds them while clapping. Enough with that ending already! Seen it, seen it, seen it.
- A movie or show that has a race to the airport where one star-crossed lover is trying to reach the second star-crossed lover before they board a plane and the first mentioned star-crossed lover has to buy a ticket to get to the boarding gate where the second star-crossed lover is and almost makes it, but not quite so they leave all crest-fallen only to be happily surprised that the second star-crossed lover never got on the plane. Oh and for crying out loud don’t you dare end this scenario with a Hollywood kiss.
- A western or any other genre that features a whorehouse where whores, when they are in a group, giggle like giddy school girls when they are about to bed their client. Now, I have never frequented a whorehouse and perhaps this truly happens at all the fun whorehouses but I find it annoying and a bit demeaning. Really, there must be some whores out there that don’t giggle when they are about to have group sex. I mean what kind of example are you setting for whores?
- A movie or show where the hot blond girl has a dumpy although adorably funny brunette buddy. Seriously?! I’ve seen enough of this B.S. to last me a lifetime. Everyone knows that hot blond girls travel in packs and do not befriend un-hot brunettes.
- Token casting. Ugh! I won’t get into your idea of multi-cultural casting because really you just need to go take a seminar on cultural sensitivity or something ’cause having one “token” on each production that is almost never the lead just doesn’t cut it. There are a few exceptions where you have gotten it right and perhaps that was a mistake, but if it was then I encourage you to keep making that mistake.
Anyway, that’s all I have time to get into for now because one of my kids just took a crap. I hope that the next time I have time to sit down and spend some time with your latest creation it will not make me feel like I am changing a poopy diaper ’cause that is not fun or entertaining.
Yours truly,
Unknown Mami
P.S. Please know that I have enjoyed some of the things you’ve made and I guess those gems are what have kept me coming back for more.
Funny and so honest. Definitely with you on the token casting!
Couldn’t agree with you more! I’d also send this letter to Mexican TV execs. I mean really, how many half-naked women do we need to see in a newscast?!! 🙂
The running to the airport thing really gets me, because if I’m an hour early for my flight and I have to stand in line, I barely make it to the gate before they start in on the Last Call to board. Now if the person doing the chasing arrives ten minutes before the plane takes off, there is just no way to get through ticketing, security and the locked door to the plane before it takes off — and I have never gotten off of a plane to wait for anyone. That’s why I have a cell phone.
This is so right!
I have been refusing to see things with the last minute airport run scene for a while now.
This is so right!
I have been refusing to see things with the last minute airport run scene for a while now.
That doesn’t leave much to watch does it?
Amen! Even those of us who don’t have kids crap to deal with will agree with you on this one!
Girl you tell’em!!! My BF gets mad t me b/c I always predict the endings of movies…they are so predictable!
I disagree about the whorehouse thing. I used to have an internship in a whorehouse back when I was in college, and not only do the ladies all giggle like schoolgirls, but they all wear corsets and garters and deep red lipstick that doesn’t rub off regardless of how many places they’ve put their lips. Oh, and they all love their lives immensely, except for that one whore who just doesn’t belong…
Same goes for books!
Laughing hysterically right now! The whore bit is fantastic. I’ve never frequented a whorehouse either but I’m pretty sure they have training in being very sexy-serious-seductive, right?
I wish I could speak to the whorehouse thing, but I just don’t know. Otherwise, I agree with Eva, even those of us whose time is less limited by wee ones have seen way too many airport scenes and blondes with dumpy bffs.
You just saw Titanic, didn’t you?
Great and poignant letter. Those damn airport scenes drive me insane!
you should develop a worth-it-between-changing-crap rating.
I just saw “The Help” – great movie.
I have my own open letter to Hollywood and about 99% of it is me rayandole la madre. Movies are so bad now.
Telling it like it is with humor. You are funny, I bet you are really hilarious in person.
How true! How true! I think they stick to formulas because nobody wants to take any chances. So they do everything the same way every time. Also, it’s a well known cliche that the story is over when the main couple gets together. The fact that it is often just the beginning of the story doesn’t seem to move the formula followers.
Hear, Hear! I was cheering you on with every point. I think that’s part of the reason why we didn’t get a cable or satellite subscription when we moved. Not that we don’t like some tv shows or movies but it’s overwhelmingly filled with junk. At least now we can be somewhat selective about what we are bombarded with. Thanks for being so honest. I loved this post! Hope you have a fantastic week!
amen sister! lol honesty is the best policy
Thank you for coming by and showing your support!
You’re spot on with these observations, and the spin-around camera thing just makes me dizzy and nauseous.
Hilarious list. I guess there should be more space for indie movies.
Or I hate when its a hot actress playing the :frumpy” friend. Seriously? Just because she has glasses she still looks like a million dollar actress. Or when the train pulls away and the person who was supposed to get on the train is actually still on the platform. ugh.
LOL! I love this, well said!!
hilarious! So true. And you’re right! I never see blondes hanging with brunettes! Hahaha.