Family. I have family on the brain.
My husband’s aunt came to visit and we met her for the first time. When I say “we”, I am including my husband. He had never met this aunt before. The story is long and not mine to tell and it was started by my husband’s grandfather (whom my husband has never met).
What I would like to share is that there is something beautiful, courageous, and authentic about a woman reaching out to siblings and extended family and risking rejection because of poor choices her father made. There is also healing and growth in embracing each other and accepting each other as family once and for all.
Family. Sometimes we are born into it and sometimes someone steps in and becomes family.
There is a man that I am biologically related to. He is technically my “father”, he is also a stranger to me. Oh sure, I’ve talked to him, I know what he looks like, but I do not “know” him, I can not claim him as mine. Then there is another man that came into my life when I was already 18 years old and slowly worked his way into my life and heart. I’ve never lived with this other man, I got to know him through my mother because she lives with him. This other man filled a space I never even knew was vacant. He loves me the way I imagine a father loves his daughter. He introduces me as his daughter. He comes through for me EVERY SINGLE TIME I need him to.
Family. My family.
My family used to mean my mother, my brother, and me. Now “my” family means my daughter, my husband, and me. Of course I have family that extends beyond those I hold nearest and dearest, but I will protect “my” family even if it means protecting them from family.
Family. I’m happy I let some “family” go. I’m happy with the family I’ve made. I’m loved by those that have accepted me as family. Family means more to me now than it ever has.
What a beautiful post. You are so right. I have been building bridges with member of my large Irish family all over the world through Facebook and it has been a wonderful experience – even if you only get to exchange a few words during the week, it is worth it……
Ok so I am a huge feminist but I will say this right now that no girl can ever go forward in life without a strong male figure. And it doesn't have to be a daddy, it can be an uncle, grandpa, brother, dude next door. Men are not as useless as we often label them. My Dad can be an idiot and a womanizer and an annoying pig….but he would drop everything for me. He was in the room when all 3 of my kids were born, his politics are the polar opposite of my own but I listen to his opinion before I choose the other side. And after saying that I feel just as strongly for my step-mom who doesn't share an ounce of blood with me.
Family is who it is to us. As the old saying goes, we don't get to pick our family so there are good eggs and bad eggs – we've got plenty of both in my family.
I believe family is what we make of it. You can choose to accept them with all their flaws and craziness and be happy or we can nitpick and be miserable. I grew up in the poorest county in the state of NY with very little but my family made me very rich. I always knew I was loved; every single one of that insanely demented and hilariously wonderful group of people would drop everything and show up on my doorstep if I needed them. I had to learn to ignore the crazy to get to the beautiful. I'm all the better for it.
For me, family is more in my heart than in my genes. I have friends who are closer to me than siblings. I believe that as we grow older we create our own family by drawing those we love closer to us.
family means everything to me. guess because I never really had much of one. i never had my dad. I have a brother I grew up who doesn't talk to me for years! its a shame, but hopefully I can make my own family someday.
This was worded beautifully. You're so right – there are some “family” that need to be let go, and there those who have worked their way into my heart and, as you put it, filled a space I didn't know was vacant. This was wonderful.
It just goes to show you that family can be thicker than blood! I'm so happy you found a special father figure for your family.
God bless ya and have a fabulous weekend sweetie!
I have such a lump in my throat, Mami. When you write like this, it is like the heavens opening up and songs being sung. This is really good writing. From your heart. Several things jump out in this post. The first is that you know what boundaries are. You mention your husband's aunt but do not tell that story because ” it is not mine to tell”. That says so much about your trust level. Then you show a maturity level beyond your years when you can describe your biological father with simple facts and not attempt to degrade him. I have to say you humble me with this.
When you say “I will protect “my” family even if it means protecting them from family” I can't hold the tears in any longer. In fact, I wrote a post this morning and I even referenced your blog in my post. It is a post that was very difficult for me to write and I think that post will be up on Sunday. I care so much for you and I don't even know you and yet I know you.
Maybe it's once you have a child, for me it took on a whole new meaning once I had my own family. It's too bad family is not like friends you can pick them! Have a wonderful weekend!
What a lovely dedication to family. It really does come in many shapes and sizes and I really feel sorry for those people who insist that a family must look a certain way (1 Bio Dad, I Bio Mom, Two kids, blah blah blah.) and that anything else doesn't count. Love and respect are all that really matter. – G
I am so happy for you that the void in your heart has been filled. I married my husband 3 years ago. I was a single Mom for 25 years. My kids were all married with kids. My husband introduces all of my kids as his and I do the same with his son. It has been quite difficult for my kids to really know John just because they all have their own busy lives. I am so happy we decided to take a vacation all together for a week in June. It was chaotic; of course but for the first time it felt like we were a “family”.
This is really beautiful, my friend!
So true. Family is what you make it and where the love is.
Funny how we appreciate our family that much more as we get older. LoL And you're right, family's not who we're born to . . .
Thank you so much for the lovely comment. I was sitting in front of the computer with nothing to write and my husband suggested I write about family. I did not want to I wanted to write about something funny, but I find that when I am resistant to things those tend to be the things I should be doing.
Please know, my bloggy friend, that you mean much to me too. I've have been touched countless times by your words, courage, and honesty. I had no idea that this bloggy business would put me in contact with such wonderful souls. I feel blessed.
So beautifully said. And we have more things in common….
Best,
Tina
Lovely post. I know my dad but we don't really have a relationship and I miss that now that I have a daughter because I wish that she had a grandfather like I did.
It's nice that you have a 'father' in your life, and PutPie has a grandfather, even if you are not biologically related. I think those bonds mean so much more because they are not forced…
On a completely unrelated note, will you be attending Blogher?
No, I will not be at BlogHer. I really have to make a point of going next year.
I'm lucky to have the family that I have. They are all great. Even the quirky ones.
She was very brave, how wonderful that you got to meet her. I want to say that I am sorry about your father but very thankful that a wonderful man came into your life to give you a father's love.
I'm very thankful, too. I ended up calling him today and sharing the post. He said he would feel the sun shining on him all day.
Growing up the majority of my family was non-biological. You make do with what you are given & thankfully I was given great love. I agree about the “MY” family part, I will protect my hubby & kids from anything & anyone!
Family truly can be a fluid thing, can't it? It most definitely is not based on blood ties alone. There is far more to it than that. I loved your post.
Family is a gift, and we all need to be part of one. Best to seek out a relative's open arms when one's in trouble or to share with them your happiness. The happiest moments of my life have been the moments passed in the middle of my family. Thanks for your beautiful post!
Family can be so frustrating, but at the same time they are the only people who love you unconditionally. (Even if they act like they hate you!)
awww…i love it…glad he stepped into that place for you…my fam has got its quirks but at the end of the day i still love em…
You said this so beautifully Mami. Family is in your heart and your family is clearly rich in love.
xo jj
So beautifully written! I agree with you about not wanting to write unless it is to share something funny. Sometimes, though, the best therapy for us is to “just write” and when it's from the heart, it touches so many. You have that gift, and you share it with others in a way that let's them know you just a little better. Gracias!
So beautifully written! I agree with you about not wanting to write unless it is to share something funny. Sometimes, though, the best therapy for us is to “just write” and when it's from the heart, it touches so many. You have that gift, and you share it with others in a way that lets them know you just a little better. Gracias!
what a truly beautiful post…family….wonderful 😉
I have a similar experience with my “father”. I haven't spoken to my birth father in 8+ years, but my step-father has been with my Mom for more than half my life and he too, introduces me to people as his daughter. Now for me, “my” family is me and my husband and that is the way it will stay (we're not the “kids” type), and that's perfect for me. 🙂 Family is what you make it and it's not always who you're technically related to.
Beautiful post.
Your post gives me a good feeling but also at the same time a different one from what I suspect you have.
You see, I'm on the other side of that step-dad step-daughter relationship. I have two step-kids (actually I don't use or like that term “step” much at all but I will here because it relates). I am very sure my step-daughter would also say very nice things about me. I was able to walk her down the aisle at her wedding so that says alot. Our relationship started when she was just starting school (about 6). I would never ask her to compare me to her biological father because that's not the point. Our relationship turned out great and it wasn't easy it never is. The biological part is much less important to the outcome than the attitude and love shared.
I don't like calling my step-dad “step” either, but I don't call him dad. I love him very much, but I did not grow up calling anyone dad and at 18 I wasn't about to start. He has become very important in my life because I feel the relationship that we have is something that developed out of mutual respect and admiration. My first impression of him was not a good one. He seemed rigid and set in his ways, he was, but he ended up loving us all so much that he stopped being rigid. We do not agree on politics and it's okay, we agree to disagree and we are very amicable about it.
Your sense about family is so poignant and sincere. You are wise and blessed to have such an understanding of the meaning of family.
Oh family is so key, and I love how you've not required that biology alone define your family for you. There is so much more than just blood that makes family, and I'm happy that you have a good one!
What a wonderful story for you to share. From my own experience, I have also found that genes are not a prerequisite for one to be considered family, and family will always be there when we need them the most. Never judging, always supportive, and always there.
I don't think you have to have kids to realize what family means because I don't have kids and I find each day that I am trying to understand my past and present relationships with my family. It's a process and I am closer than ever to my immediate family.
Hearing that a new family member introduced herself to you folks just brought out the waterworks! How brave of her and how wonderful that you all embraced her. Although that doesn't surprise me at all 🙂 Your heart, my blogging friend, is golden. I love stories like this. Thank you.
Loved your “family” post, Mammi.
Great thoughts! I have one family though. My mum/sister/brother.
Big hugs!
B xx
I loved this post:) I feel this way about my 22 year old stepdaughter…she is my daughter just as if I gave birth to her:)
beautiful post,
family has deep meanings, one has to adore another half and one's extended family to be whole…it shall be mutual.
Happy Saturday!
Thank you for your kind words. They mean much to me.
I agree, you do not have to have kids to have an understanding of what family means.
What meaningful post! Soo so true. Family is not necessarily “blood”. I´m glad you have a family that loves you!
This is beautiful. Family has always been the most important thing in my life and like you, it extends beyond blood relations to me. My best friend is just as much my sister in my mind as my little brother is my brother. I would do anything to protect both of them!
I also have a father who is not really my family anymore….and another man who will hopefully one day get my mother to agree to a proposal. They have been together for several years now and whatever happens between them in the future….he will always be a part of my family.
I can't help but smile when I think of your Mom finding you a second father. How lucky for you both! I understand about protecting family from family.
I've given you another award over at my blog. Don't worry about doing the whole award thingy. I know you're really busy. I just wanted to give your blog a mention.
Thank you for the beautiful post. I have been graced with a loving and supportive family – the blood relative kind, and the soul relative kind. Your post reminded me of how special that is.
Blessings!
LOVE this post….For a minute I thought I wrote that!!! The last paragraph really hits home and helps to re-enforce the decisions I've made in my own family life. I hope you have a beautiful week Mami!
I loved this. I have a very small family and we aren't particularly close – geographically or emotionally. I always wondered what it would be like to have those close relationships.
Thanks for your recent visits and comments over at News From Italy. With all our visitors now departed I am catching up on my Blog reading.
A touching post, thanks for sharing.
I hopped over here at the recommendation of Liz at No Excuses and am so very glad I did. What a wonderful post. I would say simply that giving birth to or fathering a child does not make you a mother or father. Loving, caring for and nurturing that child is what does.
Liz is a sweetheart and I truly appreciate her kind words as I do yours. Thank you for coming by, I'm off to visit you now.
I want to win!
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